Tuesday, February 1, 2011

You had me at “embalming leakage”.

As I began watching the Bachelor last night, I was a little nervous. Why?  Because we have now been warned that THIS IS THE MOST CONTROVERSIAL SEASON OF THE BACHELOR.  EVER.  Apparently the producers realized that just MAYBE they’ve overused the word “dramatic”.  So let the controversy begin!

The bachelor host starts the show on a very ominous note.  “Congratulations, there are only 11 of you left. Let me warn you- things are about to get VERY serious.  There will be 3 dates: a 1-1 date, a group date, and THE DREADED 2-1 date.”  Hmm… the group date doesn’t look so bad NOW, does it girls?!  The 2-1 date is like being picked last for kickball in gym class.  

We find out next that Brad and his gaggle of lady-friends will be leaving Los Angeles to begin their journey to find love.   You know, in Las Vegas, where EVERYONE finds love.  Or at least everyone CAN find love on every street corner for around 100 dollars an hour.

Chawntel N. is the recipient of the 1-1 date; her note reads “let’s end tonight with a bang.”   While Chawntel is hoping for one type of bang, the rest of the girls are leaning toward another, more gunshot-type of bang.  Especially my girl, Krazy Michelle.  Even when she says nothing, her Krazy eyes say EVERYTHING. 

Chawntel and Brad begin their date.  As they enter the mall, Brad informs her that they are going on a shopping spree and she can get whatever she wants.  I have to say, this is the first time I’ve EVER thought that Brad was attractive.  

As Chawntel walks back into the penthouse with her plethora of shopping bags, you can feel the other women’s rage radiate through the TV.  I would bet that most of these girls aren’t REALLY here for Brad- but FREE shopping spree?  Yeah, I’d want to kill her, too.   By the way, this episode feels very “Pretty Woman” to me.  Between the shopping spree, women put up in a penthouse, and um, “other similarities”… am I right?  I really thought the concierge might come to teach Chawntel a little table/silverware etiquette before the second half of their date.

Chawntel decides that during the dinner portion of her 1-1, she needs to talk about being an embalmer.  Let’s skip the obvious question of WHY you would want to talk about embalming at that particular moment and go right into the best part of the show.  As Chawntel launches into very descript embalming details, she pauses to say “I’m going to go ahead and eat.”  Brad: “Well that makes one of us!”   Now, any normal person would most likely change the topic as you notice that your dinner partner is squirming and turning green.  Not Chawntel!  “You basically want to replace a person’s blood with chemicals, but you NEED to be careful about leakage.  You insert a tube into someone’s vein to draaaiin………………..”  Sorry blogpeeps, I just passed out there for a second.   There are only a few things I can’t discuss without getting woozy:  vomit, the movie “Alive”, and how to embalm someone.  

Brad has got such a way with these ladies.  I thought last week’s proposal requesting a girl to shut up and accept the rose would never be topped.  Thank you, Brad, for providing yet another gem.  “I think you’re the hottest funeral director I ever met, will you accept this rose?”  I love me some Brad.

Back at the Pretty Woman penthouse, the group date card has arrived and the participants’ names are called off.  After a ton of exaggerated shock, the girls realize that Ashley and Ashley are going on the 2-1 date.  Apparently the Ashleys have become BFFs over these past 3 weeks.  This is how I imagine the first time they met:

Ashley 1:  Hi, I’m Ashley.
Ashley 2: O.M.G.  MY name is Ashley!!
Ashley 1: OMG I love you! 
Ashley 2:  I love you too, let’s go drink some wine and discuss how we can BOTH marry Brad!
Ashley 1: Yay!

 “If Ashley goes home, I would never forgive myself” – Wineface Ashley (for clarification, let’s nickname the Ashleys “Wineface Ashley” and “Headripper Ashley”)

AND let’s move on to the group date.

OK, seriously.  I get the whole making crazy people repel down a building type-dates, but making Emily go racing just ain’t right.  Hey producers, how about next season you just make the girls kick puppies during all of the dates?  That will make them ALL cry!

Brad has realized that Emily isn’t exactly digging this date, so he pulls her aside and she tells him what’s going on.  As she enters her race car, Brad notices she is crying and tells her that she doesn’t have to do this.  Emily: “Oh no no, I’m ready!!! I’m so excited!”  This episode has turned from “Pretty Woman” to the “Saved by the bell” episode where Jesse goes crazy after taking caffeine pills.

 The date moves onto the pool portion of the evening, and Brad has pulled Emily aside again.  The rest of the girls are obviously distressed about this- apparently there are unspoken group date rules and Brad isn’t following them.  Brad asks Emily if she’s REALLY ready to move on as she seems to still be carrying a torch for her deceased fiancé.  Well let’s see here.  So far, you’ve taken this poor girl on an airplane, then to the NASCAR racetrack.  Maybe if you stuck to NORMAL dates, like movies or repelling off of buildings, her fiancé wouldn’t come up as much.

Crying girl 1: Wish I knew her name, but the producers still haven’t taken my forehead tattoo suggestion.  “It’s hard to feel special!! This sucks!! “. My parents are in town visiting- this is the first episode of The Bachelor they’ve seen.  My Dad: “Did this man INTENTIONALLY sign up for this?!”

Emily is being pulled aside yet again so Brad can present her with a rose.  I’m pretty sure there is a bounty on Emily’s head at this point.

Let’s get back to the Ashleys as the 2-1 date is about to begin.  Brad informs them that they are going to be a part of a Cirque du Soleil show.  As they watch the performance, Headripper wants to make very clear that she isn’t competing against Wineface; she’s in a competition within herself.  I guess if you’re competing against yourself that would give you a great shot at winning?

Wineface thinks she has this competition in the bag.  I’m hoping BB pulls a “Bachelor season 11” and sends both of the Ashleys home.  

No such luck- Headripper Ashley gets the boot.  Headripper: “I feel like someone just punched me in the stomach.  AND the heart!”  WAIT… is she wearing Silly Bandz?  Anyone over 18 who is reading this blog and wearing Silly Bandz, PLEASE click off this page immediately. 

We’re back at the Pretty Woman penthouse where Brad has the revelation that he just doesn’t need drama in his life.  Um, sorry buddy- you’re on the wrong show.  He then decides to pull Chantal aside to tell her that he loves being around her, but basically she needs to stop crying all the d#$% time.  OK Chantal, we’ve all got it.  Group dates suck, you’d rather him send you home if you aren’t number 1, blah blah.  Zip it.

Uh oh… the Krazy Michelle/Jaws theme music is playing… here she comes….  K Michelle: “OK Brad, let’s not screw around here.  Keep your mouth shut… look into my eyes…. You send some girls home.  Next time we’re together, you can talk.”  Hmm… I wonder how many restraining orders K. Michelle currently has against her?  

It’s finally time for the rose ceremony.  This is getting intense y’all. 
Hot mess Michelle gets the first rose.  The red color of the rose brings out the Krazy in her eyes.  Then a bunch of other girls that I’ve never seen before get roses.  If this were the Gilligan’s Island theme song, these girls would be part of the description “and the rest”.

In conclusion, two girls are eliminated and exit crying and talking about this sucking.   Come on girls, be ORIGINAL!  We’ve already heard the sucking thing; you can do better than that.

Stay tuned for next week’s episode as the most CONTROVERSIAL SEASON OF THE BACHELOR EVER continues!



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