Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The interpretive dance stylings of DMo and the Schizophrenic Mini-Assassin

The kids and I are home alone tonight, so we decided to have a dance party.  I recorded some of it because I'm pretty sure my children are the most majestic dancers I've ever had the privilege of witnessing.  Their grace is rivaled only by that of a swanther (a swan/panther hybrid). They're style is... um... unique.   It would be a crime if I didn't share this talent with the world.

You'll learn a few things from this video.

1. I have extremely white legs.
2. Neyo rocks our world.
3. Both children have incorporated elements of ninja moves into their dancing.
4. In our house, "poop" is the most hilarious word OF ALL TIME.
5. My schizophrenic 2 year old will attempt to assassinate me just when I least expect it.

Oh, you want to know what my girlfriend's name is?  HER NAME IS SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

Well played, Mini-Assassin.  Well played.

Monday, May 23, 2011

The Glamorous Career of an Advertising Account Executive

My 5 year old graduated from Pre-K yesterday.

He's the one digging for gold right before expressing his desire to become a ninja paleontologist.

While we were eating breakfast this morning, DMo and I had a conversation about his future career choice.  During the conversation, he asked me what I wanted to be when I was a little girl.

DMo:  Mom, what did YOU want to be when you were my age?

Me: Well, I think I wanted to be a veterinarian.

DMo: Are you a veterinarian?

Me: No, I’m in advertising.

DMo: What’s advertising?

Me: You know when we’re watching TV, there is a break in the show for a couple of minutes and they show you new toys or new food to try?   Those are advertisements.

DMo: You mean the things we fast forward through?

Me:  Um… well… yes.

DMo: Oh… so you make the toys and food?

Me: No, we make commercials to SELL things like toys and food.

DMo: OH! You sell the food at a grocery store?

Me: Well… no… I talk to the people who make the toys and food to see what they want their advertisements to look like.

DMo: And then you make the commercials? 

Me: Um… no… then I tell people at my company what the people who make the toys and food want in their commercial, then THEY create it.

DMo: Why wouldn’t the people who make the toys and food just tell the people at your company who make the commercials instead of telling you? Don’t they like each other?

Me: Did you just call me a middle man?!

DMo: (after about a minute of silence) Mommy, maybe you should be a paleontologist.

If you’ll excuse me, I’ll be hanging my head in shame while seriously considering a career change.


The Middle Man

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I'm Guest-Posting, Probably.

It’s been a while since my last post!  As you probably guessed, I’ve been extremely busy preparing for Judgment Day.

Speaking of Judgment Day (BEST. SEGUE. EVER.) I’m guest-posting at Hate You Probably’s Place today.  Go check it out.  Right now.  GO!  There’s nothing more to see here.  



Monday, May 9, 2011

SOMEBODY needs a nap.

I’m pretty cranky today.  Between the hours of 1-5am, my youngest son decided the entire house needed to play a game of “NOBODY SLEEPS TONIGHT, B!T%#ES”.  Needless to say, he won.  

Unfortunately, my coworker suffered the wrath of my crankiness this morning.  While talking to her, she stated that someone had “thrown her for a loop”.  Now, I’ll be honest.  Cranky or not, that phrase just DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.  So I asked her- how does one get thrown for a loop?  HOW, I SAY!?  

I don’t want to be so arrogant as to say that “thrown for a loop” would NEVER make sense, so I thought about it.  This is an instance that I came up with where “thrown for a loop” would actually be the correct verbiage.

Then I started thinking of other phrases that didn’t make sense… like “not for nothing”.  Could there ever be a situation where something was, indeed, not for nothing?  

Why, yes!

And what about a personal fave of mine, “it is what it is”?  Hmmm…. 


How about an oldy but goody, “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush”?

I think we have a winner!

I have no image for the next one, because there is NEVER an instance where this would make sense.

“I slept like a baby.”



Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Social Media Explained Through Examples

When I told my mother that I joined Twitter, she seemed a bit confused as to why I needed yet ANOTHER social media outlet to spew my verbal diarrhea.  Honestly, I think that’s a fair question.   After thinking about it for some time (2 minutes to be exact- you don’t have a lot of time to ponder things when you have a 2 and 5 year old), I’ve decided to supply examples in order to provide an answer.

So Mom, this one’s for you.  Here are a few examples of Facebook statuses, Twitter "tweets", and blog entry titles discussing the same topic.

Facebook: Today is such a beautiful Sunday!  We’re going to take the precious angels to church, then on a picnic!  Hooray!*
Blog Title: Picnicking south of the Mason-Dixon Line: NOT A GOOD IDEA.
Twitter: Whoever invented picnicking obviously didn’t care about sitting in bird/animal s#!t or being eaten alive by mosquitoes.

Facebook: I can’t believe it!  Little MMo is SO CLOSE to being potty trained!  He went pee-pee in the potty all by himself!  He’s SO advanced.  Hooray!**
Blog Title: The princess and the pee: A royal’s guide to potty-training a mini-assassin.
Twitter:  I almost vomited walking into my boys’ bathroom today.  HOW DID PISS GET ON THE CEILING?

Facebook: Yay, I’m SO EXCITED to go watch little DMo’s baseball game!  Score a homerun for mom, D!  Hooray!***
Blog Title: So you want to coach a little league team: yeah, good luck with that.
Twitter: People who coach baseball for 5 year olds would also excel in cat herding.

Facebook: I don't like snow. Hooray!
Blog Title: I hate snow.
Twitter: I f&*king hate snow.

I hope that clears everything up for you, Mom. 



*Please note that these are dramatizations of Facebook statuses.  Like, WAY dramatized.  "Hooray"?  Who SAYS that?!

** I would also never address anything fecal or urine-related on Facebook.  I save my pee talk for Twitter.

*** OK... SOMETIMES**** I say hooray. 

**** I say hooray all the time.  Please don't hate me.