Saturday, January 29, 2011

Poop IS funny.

Good morning, blogpeeps!  Today we have a SPECIAL GUEST BLOGGER: DMo (my 4 year old son)!

Before I start, do you want to hear something funny?  Yesterday at school, we all had to say a word that started with the letter B.  Someone said BUTT!  Genius.  My mom didn’t think it was so genius, the woman obviously has no sense of humor.

Today started like most other days- Mom wakes me, picks out my clothes, and I get ready.  On this day, she picked out the dreaded pink “My nana loves me!” t-shirt.  Clearly, we must be nearing laundry day- “Old Pinky” is my last-resort shirt.  As I struggled to put on this shirt that is 2 sizes too small, I began to worry about what my friends will think.  Does Mom WANT me to get beat up?!   For the love of God, PLEASE wash my Batman and Superman shirts, I’m going to lose my street cred.

As we drove to school I began to ponder about the color of the sky, so I ask Mom why God made the sky blue.  Yeah, she’s just totally making this s&*t up.  Let’s just say, my mom is no Wikipedia-but I’ll give her credit for trying.  Sometimes I ask my mom questions just to watch her squirm-my FAVORITE question is “where do babies come from?”  I don’t know why she gets so uncomfortable talking about storks?!

As I entered school, the smell of grits and sausage filled the air.  FTW.  Of COURSE it couldn’t be blueberry pancake day.   Does anyone ACTUALLY eat grits?  

When I got home, I noticed that a package of gross chicken had been pulled out BUT Mom hadn’t cooked it yet.  This means there is still time to change the dinner menu.  After the day I had, I could really use some Spaghetti-Os.  I just can’t get enough of the delicious O-shaped pasta coupled with those perfectly squishy “meat”balls.  For all of you kids out there, here are a few tactics that I’ve discovered work to get your way.

  1. Tell your mom she looks like a beautiful princess.  

  2. Ask for the same thing approximately 6-7 times in a row.  DO NOT exceed 7 times, you’ll just sound desperate and land yourself in time-out.

3. Offer your mom a gift.  Just pick anything up- a rock, a stale Cheerio from behind the couch, anything will do.  Give it to her while saying “Mommy, I got this JUST for you!”

Crap, it didn’t work.  This is worse than I suspected- there is some sort of cream sauce on top of the chicken.  Seriously, WTF is this!? Hey mom, why don’t you just slap some grits on there?  That would make this meal PERFECT!

It’s time for bed now, Bambi is tonight’s story.  I’m wondering whether my mom thinks I’m an idiot or if she thinks I’m just not paying attention- I’m going to guess that the story doesn’t REALLY go Bambi was born, his mom died, then magically he’s the prince of the forest.  Seriously, if you’re going to skip pages, you’ve at least got to be strategic about it.  You think you’re going to skimp on bedtime, sweetheart?!  Guess who will sneak out of bed 7-10 times tonight?  Maybe next time you’ll choose to enlighten me as to how exactly Bambi became a prince.   I must go to sleep now, but not before I tell Mom a HILARIOUS poop joke- surprise surprise, Mrs. Stick-in-the-mud didn’t laugh.  She just doesn’t understand.  How is poop NOT funny??  



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