Thursday, July 28, 2011

My name is PMuff, and I'm a CraigsListaholic.

Last week, I FINALLY moved the mini-assassin into a real bed.  You’re probably thinking, “Seriously?  He’s over 3 years old and he was still in a crib?”  Yes, Judgy McJudgerson, he was.  He liked his crib.  Plus, if you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you'll know that keeping him behind bars for a little longer than normal probably increased my life expectancy by a year.  But this post isn’t about mini-assassin’s new furniture. 

It’s about my addiction to Craig’s List.

We decided that we would sell mini-assassin’s crib set online, and gave Craig’s List a try.  IT WAS SO EASY!  You just write a little description, post some pictures and BAM! That’s it!  The problem is, it was TOO easy.  You see, I’m a “go big or go home” type of girl, so when I saw how quickly I could sell the crap in my house that I didn’t want, I went crazy.  

Almost everything in my house is now posted on Craig’s List.

I admit it, I have an addiction.  My email inbox is full of responses to various posts- some serious, some maybe not so serious…  my favorite correspondence so far was for a TV listed for 500 dollars.

Potential buyer:  I will give you $275 cash for your TV.

Me: No thank you.

Potential buyer: Will you take $250?

Me: Huh?  Um… no.

Potential buyer: $200 is as low as I’ll go.

Me: I don’t think we’re doing this right.

There is one posted item that has gotten 0 responses- a black leather couch and loveseat.  This was the original post.

I decided this morning that maybe I needed to add a little sparkle to the description.  Here’s the revised post.

What's that, you say?  You aren't a vampire and can't read the minuscule text in the ad?  Fine.  Here it is.

These are the items you've been waiting for... I've decided to sell my plush ebony sofa/loveseat set! I know, you're thinking, "But wait! Why is she selling this set for such a LOW, LOW price?" Good question. You see, I'm a giver. I want YOU to experience the sheer ecstasy that these couches provide. Once you sit in their deep, fluffy seats, you'll understand. It's like experiencing a hug wrapped up in a rainbow. You like hugs and rainbows, don't you?
I'll be sad to part with these couches, but I need to move on. My husband purchased this set a few months before we were married for like 9 million dollars because, hey! BLACK LEATHER COUCHES. Am I right, fellas? You know what I'm talking about. ALL LADIES LOVE BLACK LEATHER. It's true. Statistics show that ladies are 60% more likely to make out with you on a black leather couch over a brown leather couch. But I don't have to tell YOU that, you probably already know- which is why you searched for "black leather couch" on Craigslist.
So hey, let's talk! Now, before you email me with your "I'll give you 50 dollars and my dog" offers, let's set some boundaries. When I put 500 dollars, I mean I want 500 dollars. Will I negotiate a LITTLE? Sure. For example, would I take 400 dollars and a replica of Harry Potter's invisibility cloak? Yes. I don't want to show you my entire hand, but you know what I mean.
One more thing, buyer is responsible for transportation. Sure, I'll help you move the couches out of my house, but that's it. And honestly, I'll probably just pretend like I'm lifting by grunting loudly and shouting "WOW I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW HEAVY THIS IS!" But you and I will know the truth.  

This was revised a little over an hour ago, and I’ve already received 3 responses.  So to all of you Craig’s List users, a bit of advice.  A little bit of sparkle goes a long way.



PS This was the Captcha code I had to type in to verify that I was a real-live human trying to change my post.  WTF, Captcha?  Is that second letter a Latvian long O? 

Friday, July 22, 2011


My husband and I have been working a lot lately.  Like, a RIDICULOUS amount of hours.  I’ve also had to travel an unusual amount over the past month.  Between our work/travel schedules, we have approximately 17 seconds of free time each day.  I usually use my 17 seconds doing something frivolous, like going to the bathroom or taking a shower.  I know, you’re jealous.

Last night, I returned from a week-long work trip.  We had to fly my mother-in-law down to watch the kids because my husband is working 14-16 hours 7 days a week and simply can’t take care of them alone.  This schedule is kicking our asses.  So I returned home, greeted my excited kids, put them to bed for the first time in a while, shed a few tears because I feel so incredibly guilty for the amount of time I haven’t spent with them, and then decided to open the mail.

This is what I found.

Then I hulked out.  Then I decided I wanted to call the person who wrote this. Then I calmed down (just a tiny bit), remembered that I have a blog and can write whatever I want, and decided to draft a response.  I don’t curse very often in general, but I’m exhausted and… well… please excuse my language.

Dear Madam,

Oh hey!   I received your “Request for Compliance” letter and just wanted to thank you for pointing out that our lawn has weeds that are in need of chemical treatment or removal.  Honestly, I had no idea!  Mostly I wasn’t aware of this because my husband and I have been working extensively and don’t usually see the yard before 11pm.  This letter has really opened my eyes to how serious this issue is.  I know that you gave me 10 whole days to correct the condition, but I plan to correct it immediately.  By the way… what happens in 10 days?  Lawn police?  Public flogging? Will you unleash a new breed of weed-eating tarantulas into my lawn?   If you could just let me know so I can spread the word, because I REALLY don’t like tarantulas.  

So here’s the deal.  You’ve really got me thinking about my violation, and I want to come clean.  I should be awarded multiple violations this month.  

VIOLATION 1:  The inside of my house.  Our schedule over the past few weeks hasn’t just affected the OUTSIDE of the house, you should see the INSIDE!  When I got home last night, my mother-in-law informed me that I need to clean my refrigerator more often.  I thanked her for pointing it out and immediately put it on my violation list.  Seriously, I don’t know what I would do without you people pointing out all of these items that have been neglected while my husband and I have been WORKING OUR ASSES OFF.  Love you, mean it!

VIOLATION 2:   My kids.  You think my LAWN has been neglected?!  Let me tell you how many times in the past month my kids have missed birthday parties, play dates, opportunities to see their friends outside, or do ANYTHING on the weekend because of mommy and daddy’s work schedules.  And let’s just say time doesn’t really allow for me to cook gourmet meals- unless you count Spaghetti-Os with hot dogs THAT I CHOPPED UP MYSELF as gourmet.  But you know what- SCREW MY KIDS.  You know what I need to be doing?  That’s right- WEEDING MY LAWN.  Again, thank you so much for helping me see the error of my ways.

VIOLATION 3: My dog.  I dare say that my dog probably believes that we’ve been neglecting her since my oldest son was born.  But we’ve just taken it to a WHOLE NEW LEVEL.  If there were a “worst dog owner of the month” award, I’d win it.  But guess what?  She’s contributing to my lawn looking so shitty!  LITERALLY, SHE SHITS ALL OVER IT.  Just between you and me, I think she’s trying to sabotage the lawn.  She’s always trying to sneak out front and shit all over that.  I think deep down, she loves weed-eating tarantulas and is trying her hardest to make that happen.

In summary, I’d just like to thank you again for pointing out the awfulness of my lawn and giving me 10 days to correct it.  I know that snooping around in your golf cart looking at each individual lawn trying to hunt down us violators in the summer heat must be exhausting!  If ever you need a rest from your violation-hunting, stop by and we can have a glass of lemonade and discuss the shittiness level of my lawn.  Or maybe we can talk about what a waste of f*&king time and resources it is for you to be driving around and delivering letters to people whose lawns haven’t been perfectly manicured in the past two weeks.  You know, just whatever topic comes up!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go lock my kids in a closet, neglect work and the inside my house, my friends, and of course my dog (she’s super old anyway, no biggie) so I can go take care of my weeds.

Kindly go f*&k yourself,

Princess Muffintop 
See?  Now I feel so much better.  I’ll add “therapy” to the list of reasons why I blog.



Sunday, July 10, 2011

Kindergarten will most likely be the death of me.

Oh hey, it’s been a while!  Like most bloggers have experienced at one time or another, I seem to have run short on time and things to talk about all at once, thrusting me into the posting Bermuda Triangle.  Will you take me back?  I promise I’ll never leave you again.  You don’t want me to start reciting Boyz 2 Men lyrics, do you? Don’t make me bust out some “On Bended Knee”, because I will.

Let’s move on, shall we?

My oldest son will go to kindergarten in just a few weeks.  I’ll be honest, I’m not ready.  When it comes to my boys, I know I’m extremely overprotective and sometimes overreact.  OK maybe not SOMETIMES, maybe like ALL OF THE TIME.  I can’t help it- the world is a scary place and I’m their designated protector.  To give you an idea of how exactly crazy I am, I'd like to show you how I think DMo's first day of school will go.

7:20am – The bus

I’m not sure how Lord Voldemort got on this bus as DMo isn’t going to Hogwarts, but you get the idea. My baby is so small and innocent- look at Chris Brown back there just WAITING to teach my precious angel how to smack the hoes!

8:30am – Class

 Most likely his teacher will be a giant radioactive zombie and you KNOW all they ever want to talk about is eating brains and killing the living population.  How will DMo ever get into a good college?  Maybe I should just home-school him.  Surely I know more than the undead.

12:00pm - Lunch
Nobody REALLY knows what they put into school lunches.  You see disgruntled lunch ladies ALL THE TIME.  The probability of them poisoning the food?  I'd guess around 99.9%.  I'd like to give a shout out to my boy Vanilla Ice- I couldn't think of any poisonous foods to put into this image, then BAM! Ice ice baby saves the day.

2:00pm- Free time


3:00pm- Time to go home

The day is finally over, but still my little ray of sunshine still has a huge battle in front of him.  There are probably KIDNAPPERS (who apparently all wear trench coats) standing at the bus pick-up and OHMYGOD dragons might attack him and poisonous snakes live here and there's probably a black widow making an egg sack in his backpack and a parent talking on a cell phone will run him over and a bully might punch him in the face... and... and....

The logical part of my brain realizes that kids start school every year and everything turns out just fine.  But the logical part of my brain is dwarfed by the part of my brain that automatically assumes free time activities consist of playing with machetes and AK 47s. 

When the first day of school is upon us, I will put him on his bus, put on my brave face and wave like a normal mother is supposed to.  But if I see any scary clowns or snake-looking dudes with wands, we are SO out of there.

Word to your incredibly neurotic mutha,