Saturday, January 29, 2011

Poop IS funny.

Good morning, blogpeeps!  Today we have a SPECIAL GUEST BLOGGER: DMo (my 4 year old son)!

DMo
Before I start, do you want to hear something funny?  Yesterday at school, we all had to say a word that started with the letter B.  Someone said BUTT!  Genius.  My mom didn’t think it was so genius, the woman obviously has no sense of humor.

Today started like most other days- Mom wakes me, picks out my clothes, and I get ready.  On this day, she picked out the dreaded pink “My nana loves me!” t-shirt.  Clearly, we must be nearing laundry day- “Old Pinky” is my last-resort shirt.  As I struggled to put on this shirt that is 2 sizes too small, I began to worry about what my friends will think.  Does Mom WANT me to get beat up?!   For the love of God, PLEASE wash my Batman and Superman shirts, I’m going to lose my street cred.

As we drove to school I began to ponder about the color of the sky, so I ask Mom why God made the sky blue.  Yeah, she’s just totally making this s&*t up.  Let’s just say, my mom is no Wikipedia-but I’ll give her credit for trying.  Sometimes I ask my mom questions just to watch her squirm-my FAVORITE question is “where do babies come from?”  I don’t know why she gets so uncomfortable talking about storks?!

As I entered school, the smell of grits and sausage filled the air.  FTW.  Of COURSE it couldn’t be blueberry pancake day.   Does anyone ACTUALLY eat grits?  

When I got home, I noticed that a package of gross chicken had been pulled out BUT Mom hadn’t cooked it yet.  This means there is still time to change the dinner menu.  After the day I had, I could really use some Spaghetti-Os.  I just can’t get enough of the delicious O-shaped pasta coupled with those perfectly squishy “meat”balls.  For all of you kids out there, here are a few tactics that I’ve discovered work to get your way.

  1. Tell your mom she looks like a beautiful princess.  

  2. Ask for the same thing approximately 6-7 times in a row.  DO NOT exceed 7 times, you’ll just sound desperate and land yourself in time-out.

3. Offer your mom a gift.  Just pick anything up- a rock, a stale Cheerio from behind the couch, anything will do.  Give it to her while saying “Mommy, I got this JUST for you!”

Crap, it didn’t work.  This is worse than I suspected- there is some sort of cream sauce on top of the chicken.  Seriously, WTF is this!? Hey mom, why don’t you just slap some grits on there?  That would make this meal PERFECT!

It’s time for bed now, Bambi is tonight’s story.  I’m wondering whether my mom thinks I’m an idiot or if she thinks I’m just not paying attention- I’m going to guess that the story doesn’t REALLY go Bambi was born, his mom died, then magically he’s the prince of the forest.  Seriously, if you’re going to skip pages, you’ve at least got to be strategic about it.  You think you’re going to skimp on bedtime, sweetheart?!  Guess who will sneak out of bed 7-10 times tonight?  Maybe next time you’ll choose to enlighten me as to how exactly Bambi became a prince.   I must go to sleep now, but not before I tell Mom a HILARIOUS poop joke- surprise surprise, Mrs. Stick-in-the-mud didn’t laugh.  She just doesn’t understand.  How is poop NOT funny??  

TTFN,

DMo

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

If you can't say anything nice... I WILL blog about you


In the past 7 days, I’ve been subject to some particularly ridiculous comments.  I think I’m going to blame it on the zodiac changes- you can’t just go changing what moon people’s houses are in without expecting some sort of mass chaos (thanks a LOT Minnesota Planetarium Society).  As I am making an effort to be more polite, I just smile and address the question/comment as respectfully as I can.  But that doesn’t mean I can’t compile a list of “best-of”s and stick it on my blog. 



1. “You have 2 sons?  No daughters?  Oh, I’m sorry sweetie!  Are you going to try for the girl?”  What I said:  “We’ll see!”   What I wanted to say: “Yes.  I’m going to keep trying until I capture that rascally xx chromosome combo.  I will populate the planet with boys until I get my princess.  Currently, I’m ONLY eating sugar and spice and everything nice to ensure the next one does not pee standing up.”

2. “So, are you intentionally styling your son’s hair like Justin Bieber?”  What I said:  “No, that’s just how he wakes up.”  What I wanted to say: “OMG I LOVE THE BIEB!!!  We wake up around 4:30am to start my 2 year old’s hair routine.  Sure, he cries for 3 hours as we’re blow-drying and gelling his hair- but soon he’ll see it’s all worth it.”
  
3. “Honey, you really shouldn’t run long distances.  Women who run after having kids tend to pee themselves.”  What I said: “Um… OK…” What I wanted to say: “Well what makes that different than any other day?  I pee myself all the time!  What do you think adult diapers are for?!”
 
4. “That hair color coupled with your skin tone isn’t doing you any favors.”  (note: the person that said this was a Kroger cashier, not a friend or family member)  What I said: “It’s a new color for me, I tried something new.”  What I wanted to say: “Well that was 200 dollars well spent!  I’ll make sure to tell my hairdresser that you disapprove.  Would you mind giving me the name of your stylist?  The frizziness level of your hair coupled with the purplish hue is something that I’ve never been able to achieve.”

5. “Wow, your kids look literally nothing like you.  Are you sure they’re yours?”  What I said: “Ha ha… I’m pretty sure!”  What I wanted to say: “Am I SURE? No.  There are only 2 things I’m sure of from the days of their births.  One is that I went into labor, and the other is that SOMETHING came out.   Once you cut the cord, it’s sort of a free-for-all in those crazy baby hospitals.  When it was time to leave, we just picked the baby we thought was the cutest.”

I guess the point of this entry is that any loser with unflattering hair and adult diapers can start a blog. Social media has changed the world, my fellow blogpeeps.  So be nice to the people that you see each day (especially if you notice that their youngest looks like a certain well-groomed pop star).



TTFN,

AMo (formerly an Aries, now a Pisces)

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Krazy with a "K"


Oh, Bachelor.  You’ve done it to me again.  You’ve sunk your catlike claws into my soul and have hooked me into watching the rest of this season.  

First of all, let’s talk about the opening montage of tonight’s episode.  I used to think Michelle was the only one with a few screws loose, but I was sorely mistaken.  We’ve got a baker’s dozen of crazy this season.  Recap: “THIS IS AMAZING!”, “I woke up with a black eye, and I’m pissed.”, “Oh Sh#$ I’m going to kill you.”, “I’m seeing you make connections with girls who are unstable.”, “Ohhh sh@#$ I hate this!  This sucks!”, “She scares me.  She is sitting there looking like she’s ready to kill somebody” (cut to Michelle hard-core punching her hand… nice editing job there, by the way.  Note to the editors: Michelle doesn’t need help making her look insane).  Looks like this is going to be a good one- let’s dive in!

Michelle wakes up with a black eye.  Her guesses as to how “the black eye heard around the world” happened range from stress to being beat up in her sleep.  Hmm.  MY question is, exactly how many times do you have to punch your own face in order to produce a black eye?  I am having flashbacks of Marky Mark’s self-punching scene from the movie “Fear”.  Michelle feels that because she has this black eye, she deserves the one on one date.  Spoiler alert- it works!  Who’s going to wake up with the black eye next week?!  Michelle is her own brand of crazy- she is krazy with a k.  


As our Prince Charming Brad walks in, Michelle immediately points out her black eye.  Michelle: “I woke up with a black eye.”  Brad: “How are you doing?”  Michelle: “I’m just confused.”  Now, there are a million things I could say about that, but I’m just going to leave that one alone because what is said next is even better.  Ashley #1: “I wish I was the one that gave her the black eye, I want to rip her head off.”  Oh dear, Ashley.  I wonder how many bottles of wine Ashley drank tonight to be able to watch this episode without cringing.

Chantal gets the one on one date.  Chantal: “This is an amazing date, amazing guy, amazing amazing amazing!”  I was going to count the amount of times the word “amazing” was used into tonight’s episode, but I lost count after 20.  Girls, here are 5 adjectives to use BESIDES “amazing”.  

1. Fabulous
 2. Awesome
3. Exciting
4. Wonderful
5. Miraculous

…And let’s get back to the date.  In a nutshell, Chantal is ready for an amazing relationship; this helicopter date could change everything.  They go walking on the sea floor even though Chantal is deathly afraid of diving.  Chantal warns Brad that “it” could be everywhere.  He says “What, mascara?”  Wow, that totally wasn’t my guess… I was thinking vomit or poop.  I guess that’s just where the mind goes when you have 2 small children.  The slap on the first day is discussed.  Brad: “I love the playfulness between Chantal and I.”  Dear Brad, if a girl hits you the first day she meets you, it isn’t called “playful”. Ultimately, she is offered a rose after the world’s most romantic proposal: “Chantal, you better accept the damn rose.  Will you just stop talking and kiss me?!”  Who WOULDN’T say yes to that??

AAAAAND we cut back to Krazy Michelle. “There’s a really good chance that if I don’t get a date this week, Brad might get his own black eye.”  I really hope Brad doesn’t own a bunny.

It’s time for the group date!  The girls soon discover that they will be participating in the Loveline radio show with Dr. Drew.  Brad: “Today I hope that I can create a safe environment where these girls can feel comfortable and open up.”   I don’t know about you, but the first thing that comes to mind when I think of a safe and comfortable environment is participating in a syndicated radio show played back on national television.  Really, it’s JUST like a private therapy session!

“If you pull back without trying, something may or may not may happen, and you may or may not regret it… um….” –Prince Brad 

The group date moves on to Brad’s bachelor pad.  Uh oh… we’ve got a red alert here.  9 girls fighting over one guy + alcohol + hot tub = disaster.

And so it begins… girl 1 sweeps Brad away.  10 seconds later, Ashley #1 (of ‘rip her head off’ fame) interrupts.  The wine is flowing and the girls are starting to turn on each other in the hot tub.  Ashley #2 has got a bit of the “wine face”.  I’m really glad she’s not my dentist.  After a ton of sappy babbling, the rose is awarded to the girl with the saggy bathing suit bottom (seriously producers, tattoo their names on their foreheads!)

The second one on one date is awarded to Krazy Michelle. “OK listen ladies. Tomorrow?  Big day.  Michelle and Brad.  One on one.  Back your bags and it’s been great knowing you.”  I love when people talk in the third person.  You could say ANYTHING in the third person and instantly it sounds a little insane.  Seriously, try it.
 
 “If I don’t get a rose because Brad is still dealing with Ashley’s issues, I will elbow her.  In the face.”  BOOM!  That JUST happened.  I have to say, I MIGHT stop watching if KM goes home.  She’s my new favorite.

And we’re off to helicopter date #2.  Michelle learns that they will be repelling down a large building to get to their dinner location.  I have to admit, this really brings back some great memories for me.  I remember my first date with SMo- he arranged to have us locked in a 10x10 room with a pit of scorpions for 30 minutes.  Because what says romance like “hey I might die at any minute!”  

They made it!  And there goes Brad jumping in the pool fully clothed again.  Is this going to happen every episode?  Michelle gets the rose- looks like I’ll be watching again next week!

It’s cocktail party time.  Prince Brad presents Emily with a basketful of pillows.  I really hope Emily has a lock on her door because the rest of the women look like they want to collectively punch her in the face.

Crying girl 1: Chantal.  Seriously, it was a BASKET OF PILLOWS.  This guy is making out with on average about 5 girls a week.  LET GO of the pillows. 

Finally, it’s time for the rose ceremony.  Really, this is anti-climactic to me because my girl Michelle is already safe.  But what about the Ashleys?  Did the drunk babbling or the ripping off the head comments seal their fate?!  Does he call their names???   Yes, he does.  All the crazy girls have been advanced to the next round.

Jilted girl 1- I’m totally bummed out!
Jilted girl 2: (I can’t remember what she said because I was way too concerned with the fact that she had no pants on)
Jilted girl 3:  My dad is going to be SO proud of me!

And there you have it.  Can’t wait for next week’s AMAZING episode!

TTFN,

AMo


Wednesday, January 19, 2011

So this is what death feels like.

Hola, blogpeeps!

Today I took my first step toward this year's Resolution.  No, not the Pajama Jeans- running a half marathon.   I’m fighting a cold (which is I think the 3rd time I’ve caught the exact same cold in a 1 month time span- a special thanks to my little outbreak monkeys who bring these lovely germs home from daycare), but there was no putting this off any longer.

I’ve got two running partners who will be taking this journey with me- one who has run in the past, and one a running novice.  Then you have me.  I have a pretty fast metabolism, so I’ve never exercised to stay thin.  But “thin” does NOT mean “in shape”, people.  If I had to sum up my current condition in one word, it would be “squishy”.

We decided that for our first day, we would alternate every 2 minutes between running and walking.  Sounds easy, right?  Well, it’s not if you’re in squishy condition!  The first 15 minutes was a breeze.  I thought to myself, hey, I’m really going to do this!  Look at me, everybody, I’m a runner!  

Then came the next 15 minutes. 

By the end of minute 30, I began thinking of hitchhiking home.  And I wouldn’t have been picky.   I’m pretty sure if full-size conversion van with no windows and a vanity plate that read “ShagnWagn” pulled over to offer me a ride, I probably would have accepted it.

Luckily, I had two people with me who weren’t going to quit (or ride home with me in the ShagnWagn), so I pushed through it- 2 minutes at a time.  I began cursing (in my head of course, I had no breath to actually speak) at the path if there were any sort of incline.  F&*^&ing hills!!  WTF!!??  Seriously, why can’t you just be a normal f*%(*ing path!!!!!!  #IU% #$*(%( #$)(#$!!!!!!!

But we did it.  Every fiber of my being hurts, but the hardest part is over.  Day 1: complete.  Don’t know how far we ran, but if I had to guess, I’d say about 175 miles.  If you’ll excuse me now, I’m going to go eat an entire pie then pass out for 3-4 hours.

TTFN, 

AMo

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The most dramatic rose ceremony. EVER.

Good morning blogworld!   I apologize in advance for writing a whole entry on a TV show (the Bachelor no less), but hey.  It’s my blog and I can do what I want.  

The kids went to bed early tonight, so we seized the opportunity to watch a show that didn’t involve a cartoon character.  As we (and by WE, I mean SMo- I haven’t been allowed to touch the remote since 2003) flipped through the channels, a group of screaming and laughing 20-something year old girls jumping into pool flashed across the screen.  I think there’s some sort of man-code that says if there are half naked women on TV, you aren’t allowed to turn the channel.  And THAT is how we started watching “The Bachelor”.  Unfortunately we’d missed the first 30 minutes, but the Bachelor is no “Inception” (which BTW I've watched 3 times and STILL don't understand... is he dreaming?  Am I dreaming?!).  We were able to catch up pretty quickly.

SMo and I started our Bachelor journey with a COMPLETELY unscripted moment- Bachelor Brad decides he’s going swimming (fully clothed).  “Girls I’ve worked HARD today, I’m getting in the pool!”   After an impromptu game of sexy chicken ensues, it’s become obvious that these girls want to murder each other.

RED ALERT, I think we’ve just been introduced to this season’s crazy girl.  Michelle:  “Soon it will be me and Brad in Tahiti, practicing making babies.”   The only thing missing from this scene is music from the Twilight Zone.

Crying girl scene #1.  Crying girl: “I don’t get enough alone time with you, whenever I have an experience with you, it seems like there’s another girl that has the SAME experience!”  Um, you’re going out on a 15-person date which means that precisely 14 other women are having the EXACT same experience that you had.

Make-out count: 1 

“I haven’t spent any alone time with him, but I feel such a RIDICULOUS connection with him.  He makes me feel like the most special person in the world.”  -Brunette number 5.  I can’t tell these girls apart.  Dear Bachelor producers- consider tattooing the girls’ names on their forehead for the remainder of the show.  Mmmk? Thanks!

Make-out count: 2

 Emily just told the girls about losing her fianc√© in a plane crash. Oh God, she also works for a Children’s Hospital?!  Game over- how is she NOT going to be the winner??  I’d bet 1000 dollars that the thought in every one of these girls’ heads was “Sh%$!  How am I supposed to top THAT!!”

Emily and Brad are on their date.  He’s going to feel like a tool when he realizes he just made her get on a plane.  Brad: “Tell me about you.”  Emily: “ Ummmm… nothing much.  When I get tired I get grumpy… ummmm…” Brad: “Uh…. OK…” 

Emily finally tells Brad about her dead fianc√©.  He asks her if she’s OK.  Emily: “Yes, are you?” Brad: “Are you KIDDING ME?  I’m great!”  I bet that’s the first time she’s heard THAT reaction after telling that story.

The jaws theme plays as Michelle walks in the room.  Yeah, she’s definitely the crazy one.  Michelle: “You and I are in a fight.”  Brad: ”Um, what?  We’re fighting?” Michelle: “You kissed me then you kissed other girls. Explain yourself.” Brad: “Well the LAST time I was the bachelor, I didn’t kiss enough girls.”  Hey, you’ve got to give the guy points for being honest.  

Make-out count: 3

FINALLY, it’s time for the most DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY.  EVER.

I’m nervous.  WHAT?  He picked the crazy girl???  Did he NOT hear the Jaws theme when she walked in the room?!

Whoops, Madison just removed herself from the rose ceremony.  Eh- you’re better off, sweetheart.  From what I’ve seen of this guy, he’s not anything to fight over.

Bachelor Host: “Ladies who didn’t receive a rose- you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here!”

Jilted woman #1: “He was just intimidated by me.”

Jilted woman #2: “I just wanna go hoooome!”

The Bachelor is like crack. You KNOW it’s bad and you try to stay away, but sometimes you just can’t.  If Emily doesn’t win, I hope its crazy Michelle.  Even crazy girls need love.

TTFN,

AMo

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Carbing Up in 2011

Hello again, blogpeeps!

It’s day 4 of Snowpacolypse 2011 here in Georgia, and I have to say I’m very much looking forward to Saturday’s 51 degree weather.  Snow days are just no fun when you work for a company based out of Buffalo, NY.   Most of the Midwest and Northeast have levels for snow emergencies (levels 1 through 3; 3 meaning work is canceled).   For a city to declare a Level 3, three things must happen:  1. 10+ feet of snow must fall.  2. Temperature must be lower than -20 degrees.  3.  The Abominable Snowman must eat the mayor, declare himself ruler, and announce the emergency.  Needless to say I’ve never had a work snow day, and my employers showed no sympathy for our 2 inches of snow.  

However, this is not the only reason I want the snow to melt.  

Now, I’m not one for New Year’s Resolutions.  I usually make one, but I wouldn’t exactly call the goals “lofty”.  Last year’s resolution was to not go to Vegas, hit a 5.5 million-dollar jackpot, spend all of my riches on fancy cars and exotic pets, and end up in jail for tax evasion.  This year's resolution was to buy a pair of pajama jeans.  But I decided I needed to make one more resolution after getting winded dancing with my 4 year old (he’s REALLY into techno music, I’m a little concerned). My second New Year’s Resolution is to get into shape- more specifically run a half marathon in 2011.  Because the thought of exercise makes me want to shove hot pokers in my eyes coupled with the fact that I am ultra-competitive, I think a race will motivate me.  If I can somehow make exercise have anything to do with winning a glorious 5 dollar plastic trophy, then I’m more likely to actually do it.  

I’ve entered my first 5k set for March 19.  Originally I planned to enter a half marathon scheduled for March 20th, but decided maybe I should start a little smaller and work my way up.  So far my exercise routine has consisted of our living room techno dance parties, and eating pizza/cookies everyday to “carb up”.  I think for now, 5k is more my speed.

So let’s do this, Georgia!  Let’s get this ice melted so I can start running!  And to any of my neighbors who may see me passed out on the side of a golf cart path- if you could just nudge me to the side so I don’t get run over, it would be much appreciated.

TTFN,

AMo

Thursday, January 6, 2011

The Midwesterner’s Guide to the South

Good day my vast and empty blogosphere!  I’d almost forgotten what it’s like in the beginning.  You know, when you start something new and you have no friends, followers, etc?  HELLLOOO… ello…ello… there’s something freeing about posting to no audience.  I can say whatever I want.  I LOVE STAR TREK!  I HAVE DAY-OLD DIRTY DISHES IN THE SINK! Take THAT, empty blogosphere- that JUST happened!
Anywho…
I’ve officially lived in Georgia for 5 months now, which of COURSE makes me an expert on southern living.  Here are a few tips for any of you Midwesterners thinking about moving south of the Mason-Dixon line.
1.       You will be a disgusting sweaty mess during your first couple of summer months.  Not the cute “glistening” sweat, I’m talking gross, face looks like it’s melting into a clear salty puddle on the ground, stinky sweat sock-type sweat.  Deal with it. 
2.       Get an exterminator.  STAT.   These bugs are no joke.  Two days after I moved in, I sprayed a cockroach with bug spray and it laughed at me before punching me in the face. 
3.       There are many forms of the word, “y’all”.  One must learn the proper conjugation for “y’all” before attempting to use it.  How y’all doing (small groups), How are all y’all doing (large groups), is that y’all’s? (possessive).  I tried out my first “y’all” at a store the other day.  I’m still too Midwestern, it sounded as fake as Mr. Scott’s accent in Star Trek (MY FAVORITE SHOW EVER, EMPTY BLOGWORLD! WOOT WOOT!).
4.       Just because someone calls you “sweetie”, “sugar”, “dumplin”, “pumpkin” does NOT mean they think you’re super awesome.  There are 10 million dumplins currently living in Georgia.  You’re just another dumplin in the sea.
5.       Yes we ALL know that the weather is better down south.  You don’t need to call your northern friends every time the sun is shining and its 75 degrees while they’re being pummeled with feet of metrodome-deflating snow.  Just enjoy it, keep it to yourself… better yet, go outside BECAUSE YOU CAN!!!...  and chat with your neighbors all about it.  Those dirty dishes will be there tomorrow.
TTFN y’all!!!!!  I WORE THIS SAME SHIRT YESTERDAY, EMPTY WASTELAND THAT IS MY BLOG!

AMo