My son MMo was the happiest baby that ever existed. He would smile and coo, and loved to snuggle. His laughter would light up a room.
Just when I thought, wow, I am SO LUCKY that this precious baby angel is mine…. Something happened.
My precious baby angel turned 2.
Many of you have probably read or heard me joking about MMo’s schizophrenic temper. For the most part, I really AM joking… but there’s still a part of me that wonders if maybe I’m raising the next Hannibal Lecter. Being the overly-dramatic worrier that I am, I decided to Google “characteristics of a serial killer”. You know… just to be SURE I shouldn’t be locking my bedroom door at night. By the way, thanks again Al Gore for inventing the internet. Without you, I would have been unable to access such a plethora of information on this topic. Love you Al, thanks for being the second-best vice president EVER!
The internet pulled through for me once again. The first link in the search display was from what I would describe as the most reliable source known to mankind, Dr. Phil. I should have known that Dr. Phil would be the leading source in sociopathic behavior. I mean, he was a recurring guest on the Oprah Winfrey show as a relationship and life strategy expert! Oprah doesn’t let just ANYBODY on her show. You have to be like, a couch-jumping Scientologist or her secret half-sister to sit in that guest chair.
Once I discovered this incredibly reliable and accurate site, I dove in. Below are some of the most common traits found in serial killers.
1. Over 90 percent of serial killers are male. Welp Dr. Phil, I’m already in trouble. Penis? Check.
2. They tend to be intelligent, with IQ's in the "bright normal" range. MMo is a very bright child. He can already pick a lock and hotwire a car.
3. They tend to come from markedly unstable families. Now, how unstable is “markedly unstable”? Like say, you know, HYPOTHETICALLY... that the mother thinks she is a princess and her best friend is T-Pain? WHAT EXACTLY are you trying to say, Dr. Phil?!
4. As children, they are raised by domineering mothers. I’m not sure I like your tone, Dr. Phil. I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS SORT OF QUESTIONING.
5. Their families often have criminal and psychiatric histories. OK… confession time. When I was 3, I stole chapstick from a grocery store. I know, SO awful. Oh, and up until age 10 I thought I was possessed by a man named Azrael the Horrid and only ate raw meat. But that’s pretty normal… right?
6. They hate their fathers and mothers. Ummm…
I’m still undecided on whether or not I have anything to worry about, only time will tell. Oh and by the way, are you proud to be a gold digger? Are you afraid that your daughter is prostituting in Las Vegas? Breastfeeding your 5 year old? If so, Dr. Phil wants to talk to YOU!