Sunday, February 6, 2011

6 gifts not to give your lovah for Valentine’s Day

What, did you think just because it’s Super Bowl Sunday that I’d be writing about football?  Yeah, no.  The only team I care about is the Detroit Lions, so I probably won’t be interested in the Super Bowl for the next 50 years.  Believing that the Lions have a chance at the Super Bowl in the foreseeable future is sort of like believing Charlie Sheen is indeed sober and the hookers that always seem to surround him are just “good friends”.  But I digress.  As Valentine’s Day draws closer, I’m sure you men are wondering what to get your woman for the big occasion.  Here are a few gifts I’ve found you might want to steer clear from.

1.       A dieting cookbook.  Nothing quite says I love you like, “Hey fat a$#, it ain’t called baby weight anymore if your ‘baby’ is 5 years old!”

2.       Lacy bras/thongs.  Let me be really honest with you.  NO woman likes wearing a lacy bra.  If I had to compare it to something, I would say it feels like having fleas coupled with rubbing sandpaper against those mysterious lady parts.   And don’t get me started on rectal floss. 

3.       Nothing.  I don’t care how much your valentine insists that you don’t have to get her anything, she is lying through her flower-adoring, jewelry-craving, chocolate-loving teeth.  Show up with nothing and I’d pretty much assure you that you’ll get the same later that evening.

4.       Stuffed animals.  If you are old enough to read this, you are too old to give your significant other a teddy bear holding a heart that says “I can’t BEAR to be without you!”

5.       A Playstation 3/subscription to Maxim Magazine.  There is a 99.9% probability that your girlfriend/wife will never enjoy a 3-hour Call of Duty / Madden NFL ’11 marathon.  There is a similar probability that she doesn’t REALLY want a bathroom magazine collection featuring other women’s butt cheeks.  Though I have to admit, the article “How to make a ping-pong cannon” and the quiz “Which serial killer are you” were really quite riveting.

6.       Anything from a convenience store.  OK… so it’s Feb 14, you’re on your way home and you realize in horror that you’ve forgotten to buy a gift.  The answer is NEVER to pull into Rite Aid, grab the discounted leopard print Snuggy, marked down Christmas ornaments from December, and a 3-pack of Dentyne.   If you’ve forgotten a gift, you’re going to have to get creative.  She would LOVE a personalized card made just for her.  Amongst the pretty heart drawings and your homemade poem, I would suggest you write something like “We’re going on a cruise in MAY!” and contact your travel agent ASAP.

So happy VD shopping to you (wow, that sentence would have an ENTIRELY different meaning if said to Charlie Sheen).  Woo hoo, only 8 hours until Super Bowl kick-off!  I’ll be cheering for the yellow team.




  1. Just started following from MBC! :) You crack me up already!

  2. You're too much! The Charlie Sheen pic made me laugh, hard! I look forward to laughing (with you? at you?) from now on!

  3. Aww, too funny!

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  5. I am seriously not a fan of Valentine's Day, but my husband generally gets me a small box of candy just to cover his ass. I do like candy. He is a smartish man.

    And lucky, too. Ahem.

    I love your list, but I disagree with one thing you said. I adore Maxim Magazine. Love the butt cheeks! The articles aren't bad, either.



  6. I would say that giving a sexy pair of bras and panties is always a great gift. Last Valentine's Day I gave my wife a pair of bras and panties and she couldn't have been happier.