Wednesday, August 31, 2011

I must break you.

My 5 year old LOVES Kindergarten. Every Wednesday, he is able to check out a library book for the week.  We are both really excited about this because he loves to read and we've virtually exhausted all of the books we own.  Today he came home with this book.

Hmm, a book about bullying.  Are we ready for this subject yet?  Since it was a Berenstain Bears book, I decided to go ahead and read it.  I have to say, I found the contents a little... disturbing.

(as interpreted by PMuff)

OK here we go.  Oh my... look at Sister Bear.  She looks like she’s ready to kill some fools.  We're only on page one and already she's vowing to avenge herself.

When Brother and Sister Bear come home from school, Mama and Papa Bear notice that Sister looks like she just returned from a week-long bender in Las Vegas.  We learn that Sister was beaten up by a bully named "Tuffy".

Upon hearing this, Papa immediately decides he is going to show Tuffy how the Berenstain Bears roll.  Mama (who seems to be the ONLY voice of reason throughout the entire book) reminds Papa that beating up a child is probably not the best idea.  While Mama and Papa have this asinine conversation, Brother sneaks out of the house.  But where did he go?!

He went to beat the s%&t out of Tuffy, that’s where!  Look at Brother Bear.  He looks like a little stalker bear in training.  I’d like to see the Berenstain Bears E! True Hollywood story.  I would bet a lot of money that Brother has been featured on "To Catch a Predator".

Once Brother discovers that Tuffy is actually a girl, he decides that he probably shouldn't beat her up.  Hooray!  But this doesn’t mean Tuffy is out of the woods yet.  Oh no, my friends.  Not. At. All.  Brother decides to disobey his mother's orders to leave Tuffy alone, and sets up a top-secret training area to teach Sister Bear how to destroy her enemy.

As it turns out, Sister is one Bad-Ass Berenstain.

The new and improved Killer Sister managed to steer clear of her nemesis at school over the next few days.  Unfortunately, seeing Tuffy again was unavoidable.  During recess, Killer Sister saw Tuffy throwing rocks at a defenseless bird.  When Killer Sister kindly asked her to stop, Tuffy basically told her to go pound sand.  

And then it happened.  Killer Sister pummeled Tuffy Drago-the-Russian-style ala Rocky 4.  

Killer and Tuffy were both sent to the principal’s office where Tuffy begins to cry.  Then THIS happened.

What the f%^k, Berenstain Bears?  Maybe she gets hit a lot at home?!  All of a sudden, my beloved bears became an after-school special of the month.  The next thing you’re going to tell me is that Sister is anorexic and Brother is a cutter.

In closing, we find out that Sister was let off because she saved a bird’s life.  As for Tuffy, she had to visit the school psychologist twice a week for quite a while.

I don’t even know what to say about that.
I am from Flint, Michigan- the murder capital of America.  I am well aware that there are many “Tuffy” situations out there.  BUT… maybe this isn’t a topic the Berenstain Bears needed to touch upon.  It’s sort of like “Saved by the Bell” covering drug abuse.  Though the episode contained what could be the most hilarious minute of television ever, it just wasn’t necessary.

Ok, the SBTB episode was TOTALLY necessary ( I LOVE YOU JESSIE SPANO!)… but this book?  I don't know.  I think the author's intentions were good; maybe we could have left out the child beating reference.  That’s sort of tough to yada-yada over when reading to a 5 year old.



Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Will I write your letter of recommendation? YES PLEASE!

I returned from a 5-day vacation this Monday.  Of course the day after you return from vacation, you have about eleventy trillion emails to sort through.  As I was happily deleting all of the “I’m going to cc the entire company so everybody sees how hard I work” emails, I came across a message from an old coworker/friend of mine.  She wanted me to write her a letter of recommendation for a position that she desperately wants.

Will I write a letter of recommendation?!  YES PLEASE!  I was born to write letters of recommendation!  So I immediately got to work.

First I researched letters of recommendation.  I know this might be hard to believe, but I’ve never written one before. Then I wrote a pretty bland letter and immediately deleted it.

This is the final draft.  To Lindsey, I hope this glowing letter is to your satisfaction.

Dear kind sir/madam:

My name is Princess Muffintop, and it is my immense pleasure to recommend Lindsey for the open position within your company.  Of course, I have no idea what exactly she’s applying for, or what your company does- but it doesn’t matter.  SHE IS THAT GOOD.  You’re an advertising agency?  WIN FOR YOU.  You sell shoes?  SHE WEARS THEM EVERY DAY. You make shampoo?  SHE'LL NAIL IT.  Seriously, you just can’t go wrong.

When I Googled “What to write in a letter of recommendation”, the guide said that the second and third paragraphs of the letter should give details about the person's best qualities.  My pleasure!  Lindsey is a master of multitasking.  She can develop a powerful new business pitch while simultaneously untagging herself from certain compromising Facebook photos.  After all, Lindsey’s second grade elementary school teacher turned Facebook friend doesn’t need to see that topless keg-stand photo.  Am I right?!  

Lindsey is also extremely smart and fabulous with time management.  This enables her to finish 8 hour’s worth of work in half the time.  I think this is why she took 4 hour lunches.  It’s certainly not because she’s eating- Lindsey saves those calories for liquor!  

In summary, you really cannot go wrong with Lindsey.  She’s a talented young lady who wears shoes and showers daily (well… every other day- let’s not oversell).  And if you hear anything about her night job as a dancer, it’s totally ballet dancing.  Well, it’s PROBABLY ballet dancing.  Um, I mean she’s working her way through college.  I mean, she has a lot of gambling debt to pay back.   

Thanks so much!

Princess Muffintop

If any of you need a letter of recommendation, please feel free to contact me.  



Thursday, August 11, 2011

All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten – 21st Century Edition

20 years ago, Robert Fulghum wrote a book called All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten. The book is a collection of lessons usually taught in Kindergarten, and explains how the world would be a better place if adults lived by these rules of thumb as well.

It’s a cute book and all, but it’s a bit outdated.  I mean, come on!  1988?  Did televisions and microwaves even exist back then?!  Not to mention a little something called the INTERNET. By the way... I can’t mention the Internet without giving a shout-out to my boy AL GORE. He totally rocked my virtual universe by inventing the WWW. Love you, Al!

 Life is completely different than it was 20 years ago, and so are the things you learn in Kindergarten. Though most of Fulghum’s lessons still apply, I felt that they needed some updating.

All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten – 21st Century Edition

1.    If you don’t know the answer, Google it.

2.    Don’t shoot people.

3.    Recycle, or your planet will die.

4.    Share everything, except needles.  In factjust stay away from needles altogether.

5.    Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you, as long as the milk is organic and the cookies aren’t loaded with preservatives.

6.    Just because you read it on the Internet does not mean it’s true.

7.    Always remember what DJ Lance taught you – say sorry when you hurt somebody.

8.    Live a balanced life – don’t spend 10 hours a day on social media sites.

9.    Don’t text while you’re driving.  Don’t talk on the phone while driving.  Don’t eat and drive. And for the love of God, don’t drink and drive.  

10.  When all else fails, reboot.

Good luck children of the 21st century, you’re going to need it.