Thursday, December 15, 2011

Rudolph the Cross-Dressing Serial-Killing Reindeer

The DVR is truly a glorious invention.   I’d say that the DVR is probably the second best invention ever right behind the internet (I LOVE YOU AL GORE!).  

However, there is one time of year where I’d like to blow up the TV, and for one specific reason.  As a mother of two young children, I hear other parents’ opinions regarding which television shows are bad or good.  The typical “offenders” are SpongeBob Squarepants and some of the Superhero cartoons, but I’m here to tell you that SpongeBob and Spiderman are not the worst cartoons on television.  NOT BY A LONG SHOT.

The most evil cartoon EVER?

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Because I grew up with it, I merrily turned on this cute little cartoon for my children to enjoy.  Then the mini-assassin became obsessed with it.  Then it was DVR’d.  Then I watched it 700 times in a row.  Then I listened to what really was going on.


Rudolph was born one day to Donner and his wife.  Here’s the catch: he came out with a glowing nose.  The warm and fuzzy cartoons of the 21st century would use this storyline to promote a positive message like “everybody is different: hooray!”  Not Rudolph though.  Oh no. 

Because Rudolph’s ashamed parents designed a prosthetic cover to hide his glowing nose, Rudolph was eligible to participate in The Reindeer Games.  Rudolph and the rest of the gang were getting along swimmingly, and he even scores himself a hookup with a sexy little thing named Clarice.  Then it happened.

His nose cover pops off.

All hell breaks loose as the reindeer start to relentlessly tease him.  At this point, Rudolph and the ostracized-dentist-wannabe elf Hermey decide to run away together.

While on their adventure, they run into a prospector named Yukon Cornelius, and an Abominable Snowman.  Quite frankly, I really don’t understand this subplot so I’m going to skim over it.  They also happen upon the Alcatraz for toys and meet a handful of other colorful characters that had been exiled for being different.  

Then THIS happened… not sure what’s going on here but it reminded me of the Different Strokes episode where Arnold and his friend Dudley are lured to a pedophile’s apartment for a nude photography session.

Rudolph decides to run away to keep his friends out of harm’s way and finds himself back with Santa who has decided to cancel Christmas because of a terrible blizzard.  Imagine that, a terrible blizzard on the North Pole.  Why would you make provisions for snow on the North Pole?!  But I digress.  Santa sees Rudolph’s nose and decides maybe he’s good enough for his elitist reindeer team after all.

I’m sure this won’t surprise any of you, but Rudolph grew up to be a cross-dressing serial killer with serious self-esteem issues.

The End.


Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Slobby Princess Chic

Like most people, I treasure my sleep.  My child, however, does not.  The Mini-assassin wakes up 4-6 times a night, which makes getting up in the morning extremely difficult.  By the time I’ve hit the snooze button 17 times, I’ve left myself approximately 3 minutes to get ready.  

This, ladies and gentlemen, is how SLOBBY PRINCESS CHIC began.

I’ve justified my slobbiness by convincing myself that all of the other parents at my children’s school go through the same morning routine, thus are also dressed like slobs.

Then THIS happened.

Apparently Slobby Princess Chic attire is not universal.  This experience made me think… maybe I should take more pride in my appearance? Maybe I should wake up earlier to style my hair? Maybe I should press my clothes, OR EVEN TAKE A SHOWER OF WATER INSTEAD OF PERFUME?!

Nah. Looking good before 8am is TOTALLY overrated.



Tuesday, September 13, 2011

44th District Court? Today is your lucky day.

Dear Royal Oak 44th District Court,

I received a notice in the mail from you this week stating that I have an outstanding balance of $24.00.  I have to admit, I was a bit surprised.  When I was a resident of Royal Oak 6 years ago, I never received any speeding/parking tickets.  The notice doesn’t say why I owe you $24.00; it simply says that I owe you money, and that you take all forms of payment.  ALL FORMS OF PAYMENT?? This is extremely good news!!  I would like to pay in the form of personal treasures I’ve collected over the years that have a total value of $24.00.

Item #1: A professionally stuffed Malaysian Panther- valued at $12.00.  It’s probably better that we don’t discuss why I own a stuffed Malaysian Panther.  Let’s just say there was a prophecy… neither of us could live while the other survived, and somehow I ended up with a lightning-shaped scar on my head that allowed me to track down the panther and destroy it.  Oh my, I’ve said too much.  Wait… that was Harry Potter.  Whatever, it will still make a great addition to your office.   

Item #2: Unborn alien embryos- valued at $8.00.  I purchased these little green gems from eBay after I saw the movie “Independence Day”, because who wouldn’t want their own army of aliens??  Let me just throw this out there for you- Alien. Prison. Guards.  AM I RIGHT?!  I can pretty much guarantee that NO prisoner would try to escape because BAM- alien tentacle to the head.  

Item #3: 7 lbs. Eye of Newt - valued at $4.00. Don’t you hate it when you’ve got the cauldron boiling and you look at your recipe only to realize you’re missing 1 ingredient?  I am just LOVING Costco’s new occult section- I’ll never run out of eye of newt again, and now neither shall you.

Item #4: The entire first season of “Ice loves Coco”- valued at PRICELESS.  Who can get enough of this whacky couple and all of their crazy hijinks? Plus, you might want to take a close look at Coco’s assal region.   I suspect she’s muling drugs/exotic pets/statues made entirely out of elephant tusks in there.

In closing, I’d like to thank you again for accepting this form of payment.  Though it will be difficult to part with these treasures, I realize that it is my civic duty to pay back the $24 for… well… I’m not sure for what since you didn’t specify. Also, please find a bill enclosed for $769 that will cover the cost of the time it took me to respond to your bill as well as the shipping costs for your new items.  I just can’t believe how much it costs to overnight a Malaysian Panther these days!

Warmest Regards, 


Wednesday, August 31, 2011

I must break you.

My 5 year old LOVES Kindergarten. Every Wednesday, he is able to check out a library book for the week.  We are both really excited about this because he loves to read and we've virtually exhausted all of the books we own.  Today he came home with this book.

Hmm, a book about bullying.  Are we ready for this subject yet?  Since it was a Berenstain Bears book, I decided to go ahead and read it.  I have to say, I found the contents a little... disturbing.

(as interpreted by PMuff)

OK here we go.  Oh my... look at Sister Bear.  She looks like she’s ready to kill some fools.  We're only on page one and already she's vowing to avenge herself.

When Brother and Sister Bear come home from school, Mama and Papa Bear notice that Sister looks like she just returned from a week-long bender in Las Vegas.  We learn that Sister was beaten up by a bully named "Tuffy".

Upon hearing this, Papa immediately decides he is going to show Tuffy how the Berenstain Bears roll.  Mama (who seems to be the ONLY voice of reason throughout the entire book) reminds Papa that beating up a child is probably not the best idea.  While Mama and Papa have this asinine conversation, Brother sneaks out of the house.  But where did he go?!

He went to beat the s%&t out of Tuffy, that’s where!  Look at Brother Bear.  He looks like a little stalker bear in training.  I’d like to see the Berenstain Bears E! True Hollywood story.  I would bet a lot of money that Brother has been featured on "To Catch a Predator".

Once Brother discovers that Tuffy is actually a girl, he decides that he probably shouldn't beat her up.  Hooray!  But this doesn’t mean Tuffy is out of the woods yet.  Oh no, my friends.  Not. At. All.  Brother decides to disobey his mother's orders to leave Tuffy alone, and sets up a top-secret training area to teach Sister Bear how to destroy her enemy.

As it turns out, Sister is one Bad-Ass Berenstain.

The new and improved Killer Sister managed to steer clear of her nemesis at school over the next few days.  Unfortunately, seeing Tuffy again was unavoidable.  During recess, Killer Sister saw Tuffy throwing rocks at a defenseless bird.  When Killer Sister kindly asked her to stop, Tuffy basically told her to go pound sand.  

And then it happened.  Killer Sister pummeled Tuffy Drago-the-Russian-style ala Rocky 4.  

Killer and Tuffy were both sent to the principal’s office where Tuffy begins to cry.  Then THIS happened.

What the f%^k, Berenstain Bears?  Maybe she gets hit a lot at home?!  All of a sudden, my beloved bears became an after-school special of the month.  The next thing you’re going to tell me is that Sister is anorexic and Brother is a cutter.

In closing, we find out that Sister was let off because she saved a bird’s life.  As for Tuffy, she had to visit the school psychologist twice a week for quite a while.

I don’t even know what to say about that.
I am from Flint, Michigan- the murder capital of America.  I am well aware that there are many “Tuffy” situations out there.  BUT… maybe this isn’t a topic the Berenstain Bears needed to touch upon.  It’s sort of like “Saved by the Bell” covering drug abuse.  Though the episode contained what could be the most hilarious minute of television ever, it just wasn’t necessary.

Ok, the SBTB episode was TOTALLY necessary ( I LOVE YOU JESSIE SPANO!)… but this book?  I don't know.  I think the author's intentions were good; maybe we could have left out the child beating reference.  That’s sort of tough to yada-yada over when reading to a 5 year old.



Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Will I write your letter of recommendation? YES PLEASE!

I returned from a 5-day vacation this Monday.  Of course the day after you return from vacation, you have about eleventy trillion emails to sort through.  As I was happily deleting all of the “I’m going to cc the entire company so everybody sees how hard I work” emails, I came across a message from an old coworker/friend of mine.  She wanted me to write her a letter of recommendation for a position that she desperately wants.

Will I write a letter of recommendation?!  YES PLEASE!  I was born to write letters of recommendation!  So I immediately got to work.

First I researched letters of recommendation.  I know this might be hard to believe, but I’ve never written one before. Then I wrote a pretty bland letter and immediately deleted it.

This is the final draft.  To Lindsey, I hope this glowing letter is to your satisfaction.

Dear kind sir/madam:

My name is Princess Muffintop, and it is my immense pleasure to recommend Lindsey for the open position within your company.  Of course, I have no idea what exactly she’s applying for, or what your company does- but it doesn’t matter.  SHE IS THAT GOOD.  You’re an advertising agency?  WIN FOR YOU.  You sell shoes?  SHE WEARS THEM EVERY DAY. You make shampoo?  SHE'LL NAIL IT.  Seriously, you just can’t go wrong.

When I Googled “What to write in a letter of recommendation”, the guide said that the second and third paragraphs of the letter should give details about the person's best qualities.  My pleasure!  Lindsey is a master of multitasking.  She can develop a powerful new business pitch while simultaneously untagging herself from certain compromising Facebook photos.  After all, Lindsey’s second grade elementary school teacher turned Facebook friend doesn’t need to see that topless keg-stand photo.  Am I right?!  

Lindsey is also extremely smart and fabulous with time management.  This enables her to finish 8 hour’s worth of work in half the time.  I think this is why she took 4 hour lunches.  It’s certainly not because she’s eating- Lindsey saves those calories for liquor!  

In summary, you really cannot go wrong with Lindsey.  She’s a talented young lady who wears shoes and showers daily (well… every other day- let’s not oversell).  And if you hear anything about her night job as a dancer, it’s totally ballet dancing.  Well, it’s PROBABLY ballet dancing.  Um, I mean she’s working her way through college.  I mean, she has a lot of gambling debt to pay back.   

Thanks so much!

Princess Muffintop

If any of you need a letter of recommendation, please feel free to contact me.  



Thursday, August 11, 2011

All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten – 21st Century Edition

20 years ago, Robert Fulghum wrote a book called All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten. The book is a collection of lessons usually taught in Kindergarten, and explains how the world would be a better place if adults lived by these rules of thumb as well.

It’s a cute book and all, but it’s a bit outdated.  I mean, come on!  1988?  Did televisions and microwaves even exist back then?!  Not to mention a little something called the INTERNET. By the way... I can’t mention the Internet without giving a shout-out to my boy AL GORE. He totally rocked my virtual universe by inventing the WWW. Love you, Al!

 Life is completely different than it was 20 years ago, and so are the things you learn in Kindergarten. Though most of Fulghum’s lessons still apply, I felt that they needed some updating.

All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten – 21st Century Edition

1.    If you don’t know the answer, Google it.

2.    Don’t shoot people.

3.    Recycle, or your planet will die.

4.    Share everything, except needles.  In factjust stay away from needles altogether.

5.    Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you, as long as the milk is organic and the cookies aren’t loaded with preservatives.

6.    Just because you read it on the Internet does not mean it’s true.

7.    Always remember what DJ Lance taught you – say sorry when you hurt somebody.

8.    Live a balanced life – don’t spend 10 hours a day on social media sites.

9.    Don’t text while you’re driving.  Don’t talk on the phone while driving.  Don’t eat and drive. And for the love of God, don’t drink and drive.  

10.  When all else fails, reboot.

Good luck children of the 21st century, you’re going to need it.  



Thursday, July 28, 2011

My name is PMuff, and I'm a CraigsListaholic.

Last week, I FINALLY moved the mini-assassin into a real bed.  You’re probably thinking, “Seriously?  He’s over 3 years old and he was still in a crib?”  Yes, Judgy McJudgerson, he was.  He liked his crib.  Plus, if you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you'll know that keeping him behind bars for a little longer than normal probably increased my life expectancy by a year.  But this post isn’t about mini-assassin’s new furniture. 

It’s about my addiction to Craig’s List.

We decided that we would sell mini-assassin’s crib set online, and gave Craig’s List a try.  IT WAS SO EASY!  You just write a little description, post some pictures and BAM! That’s it!  The problem is, it was TOO easy.  You see, I’m a “go big or go home” type of girl, so when I saw how quickly I could sell the crap in my house that I didn’t want, I went crazy.  

Almost everything in my house is now posted on Craig’s List.

I admit it, I have an addiction.  My email inbox is full of responses to various posts- some serious, some maybe not so serious…  my favorite correspondence so far was for a TV listed for 500 dollars.

Potential buyer:  I will give you $275 cash for your TV.

Me: No thank you.

Potential buyer: Will you take $250?

Me: Huh?  Um… no.

Potential buyer: $200 is as low as I’ll go.

Me: I don’t think we’re doing this right.

There is one posted item that has gotten 0 responses- a black leather couch and loveseat.  This was the original post.

I decided this morning that maybe I needed to add a little sparkle to the description.  Here’s the revised post.

What's that, you say?  You aren't a vampire and can't read the minuscule text in the ad?  Fine.  Here it is.

These are the items you've been waiting for... I've decided to sell my plush ebony sofa/loveseat set! I know, you're thinking, "But wait! Why is she selling this set for such a LOW, LOW price?" Good question. You see, I'm a giver. I want YOU to experience the sheer ecstasy that these couches provide. Once you sit in their deep, fluffy seats, you'll understand. It's like experiencing a hug wrapped up in a rainbow. You like hugs and rainbows, don't you?
I'll be sad to part with these couches, but I need to move on. My husband purchased this set a few months before we were married for like 9 million dollars because, hey! BLACK LEATHER COUCHES. Am I right, fellas? You know what I'm talking about. ALL LADIES LOVE BLACK LEATHER. It's true. Statistics show that ladies are 60% more likely to make out with you on a black leather couch over a brown leather couch. But I don't have to tell YOU that, you probably already know- which is why you searched for "black leather couch" on Craigslist.
So hey, let's talk! Now, before you email me with your "I'll give you 50 dollars and my dog" offers, let's set some boundaries. When I put 500 dollars, I mean I want 500 dollars. Will I negotiate a LITTLE? Sure. For example, would I take 400 dollars and a replica of Harry Potter's invisibility cloak? Yes. I don't want to show you my entire hand, but you know what I mean.
One more thing, buyer is responsible for transportation. Sure, I'll help you move the couches out of my house, but that's it. And honestly, I'll probably just pretend like I'm lifting by grunting loudly and shouting "WOW I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW HEAVY THIS IS!" But you and I will know the truth.  

This was revised a little over an hour ago, and I’ve already received 3 responses.  So to all of you Craig’s List users, a bit of advice.  A little bit of sparkle goes a long way.



PS This was the Captcha code I had to type in to verify that I was a real-live human trying to change my post.  WTF, Captcha?  Is that second letter a Latvian long O? 

Friday, July 22, 2011


My husband and I have been working a lot lately.  Like, a RIDICULOUS amount of hours.  I’ve also had to travel an unusual amount over the past month.  Between our work/travel schedules, we have approximately 17 seconds of free time each day.  I usually use my 17 seconds doing something frivolous, like going to the bathroom or taking a shower.  I know, you’re jealous.

Last night, I returned from a week-long work trip.  We had to fly my mother-in-law down to watch the kids because my husband is working 14-16 hours 7 days a week and simply can’t take care of them alone.  This schedule is kicking our asses.  So I returned home, greeted my excited kids, put them to bed for the first time in a while, shed a few tears because I feel so incredibly guilty for the amount of time I haven’t spent with them, and then decided to open the mail.

This is what I found.

Then I hulked out.  Then I decided I wanted to call the person who wrote this. Then I calmed down (just a tiny bit), remembered that I have a blog and can write whatever I want, and decided to draft a response.  I don’t curse very often in general, but I’m exhausted and… well… please excuse my language.

Dear Madam,

Oh hey!   I received your “Request for Compliance” letter and just wanted to thank you for pointing out that our lawn has weeds that are in need of chemical treatment or removal.  Honestly, I had no idea!  Mostly I wasn’t aware of this because my husband and I have been working extensively and don’t usually see the yard before 11pm.  This letter has really opened my eyes to how serious this issue is.  I know that you gave me 10 whole days to correct the condition, but I plan to correct it immediately.  By the way… what happens in 10 days?  Lawn police?  Public flogging? Will you unleash a new breed of weed-eating tarantulas into my lawn?   If you could just let me know so I can spread the word, because I REALLY don’t like tarantulas.  

So here’s the deal.  You’ve really got me thinking about my violation, and I want to come clean.  I should be awarded multiple violations this month.  

VIOLATION 1:  The inside of my house.  Our schedule over the past few weeks hasn’t just affected the OUTSIDE of the house, you should see the INSIDE!  When I got home last night, my mother-in-law informed me that I need to clean my refrigerator more often.  I thanked her for pointing it out and immediately put it on my violation list.  Seriously, I don’t know what I would do without you people pointing out all of these items that have been neglected while my husband and I have been WORKING OUR ASSES OFF.  Love you, mean it!

VIOLATION 2:   My kids.  You think my LAWN has been neglected?!  Let me tell you how many times in the past month my kids have missed birthday parties, play dates, opportunities to see their friends outside, or do ANYTHING on the weekend because of mommy and daddy’s work schedules.  And let’s just say time doesn’t really allow for me to cook gourmet meals- unless you count Spaghetti-Os with hot dogs THAT I CHOPPED UP MYSELF as gourmet.  But you know what- SCREW MY KIDS.  You know what I need to be doing?  That’s right- WEEDING MY LAWN.  Again, thank you so much for helping me see the error of my ways.

VIOLATION 3: My dog.  I dare say that my dog probably believes that we’ve been neglecting her since my oldest son was born.  But we’ve just taken it to a WHOLE NEW LEVEL.  If there were a “worst dog owner of the month” award, I’d win it.  But guess what?  She’s contributing to my lawn looking so shitty!  LITERALLY, SHE SHITS ALL OVER IT.  Just between you and me, I think she’s trying to sabotage the lawn.  She’s always trying to sneak out front and shit all over that.  I think deep down, she loves weed-eating tarantulas and is trying her hardest to make that happen.

In summary, I’d just like to thank you again for pointing out the awfulness of my lawn and giving me 10 days to correct it.  I know that snooping around in your golf cart looking at each individual lawn trying to hunt down us violators in the summer heat must be exhausting!  If ever you need a rest from your violation-hunting, stop by and we can have a glass of lemonade and discuss the shittiness level of my lawn.  Or maybe we can talk about what a waste of f*&king time and resources it is for you to be driving around and delivering letters to people whose lawns haven’t been perfectly manicured in the past two weeks.  You know, just whatever topic comes up!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go lock my kids in a closet, neglect work and the inside my house, my friends, and of course my dog (she’s super old anyway, no biggie) so I can go take care of my weeds.

Kindly go f*&k yourself,

Princess Muffintop 
See?  Now I feel so much better.  I’ll add “therapy” to the list of reasons why I blog.



Sunday, July 10, 2011

Kindergarten will most likely be the death of me.

Oh hey, it’s been a while!  Like most bloggers have experienced at one time or another, I seem to have run short on time and things to talk about all at once, thrusting me into the posting Bermuda Triangle.  Will you take me back?  I promise I’ll never leave you again.  You don’t want me to start reciting Boyz 2 Men lyrics, do you? Don’t make me bust out some “On Bended Knee”, because I will.

Let’s move on, shall we?

My oldest son will go to kindergarten in just a few weeks.  I’ll be honest, I’m not ready.  When it comes to my boys, I know I’m extremely overprotective and sometimes overreact.  OK maybe not SOMETIMES, maybe like ALL OF THE TIME.  I can’t help it- the world is a scary place and I’m their designated protector.  To give you an idea of how exactly crazy I am, I'd like to show you how I think DMo's first day of school will go.

7:20am – The bus

I’m not sure how Lord Voldemort got on this bus as DMo isn’t going to Hogwarts, but you get the idea. My baby is so small and innocent- look at Chris Brown back there just WAITING to teach my precious angel how to smack the hoes!

8:30am – Class

 Most likely his teacher will be a giant radioactive zombie and you KNOW all they ever want to talk about is eating brains and killing the living population.  How will DMo ever get into a good college?  Maybe I should just home-school him.  Surely I know more than the undead.

12:00pm - Lunch
Nobody REALLY knows what they put into school lunches.  You see disgruntled lunch ladies ALL THE TIME.  The probability of them poisoning the food?  I'd guess around 99.9%.  I'd like to give a shout out to my boy Vanilla Ice- I couldn't think of any poisonous foods to put into this image, then BAM! Ice ice baby saves the day.

2:00pm- Free time


3:00pm- Time to go home

The day is finally over, but still my little ray of sunshine still has a huge battle in front of him.  There are probably KIDNAPPERS (who apparently all wear trench coats) standing at the bus pick-up and OHMYGOD dragons might attack him and poisonous snakes live here and there's probably a black widow making an egg sack in his backpack and a parent talking on a cell phone will run him over and a bully might punch him in the face... and... and....

The logical part of my brain realizes that kids start school every year and everything turns out just fine.  But the logical part of my brain is dwarfed by the part of my brain that automatically assumes free time activities consist of playing with machetes and AK 47s. 

When the first day of school is upon us, I will put him on his bus, put on my brave face and wave like a normal mother is supposed to.  But if I see any scary clowns or snake-looking dudes with wands, we are SO out of there.

Word to your incredibly neurotic mutha,


Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Child-eating spirits, dual-sided light sabers, and magical blue drinks: our Savannah ghost tour adventure

My husband had to go to Savannah last week for work.  Since it was Father’s Day weekend, we decided we’d all go and make it a mini-vacation.  I love Savannah.  It’s a very historic city with tons to do, both kid-friendly and adult-focused.  Because ALL of our vacations are geared around kid-friendly activity, I decided that we were going to do just ONE thing that didn’t involve cartoon characters/blow-up jumpy things/massive amounts of candy. 
I wanted to go on a ghost tour.  And so we did. 

There are several haunted tours you can take in Savannah; I picked the kid-friendliest version.  Before the tour trolley came to pick us up, we decided to take the kids to the Savannah Riverwalk.  This is an area with a TON of touristy shops just waiting for people like us to buy their overpriced crap.  But the kids needed to burn off some energy, so off we went. 

Look, it’s starting off so well!  We’re the two best friends that anyone could ever have!

Then we hit the shops.  Things got crazy.  You just can’t take a 3 and 5 year old into cramped stores full of pirate/beach paraphernalia and expect a positive outcome.  Then it happened.  DMo spotted a double-sided light saber that he OH MY GOD HAD TO HAVE.  We tried telling him that bringing light sabers on ghost tours wasn’t a good idea, but that didn’t work.  Then the tantrums came.  Then the rolling on the ground happened.  Then the “JUST GET THE LIGHT SABER ALREADY SO WE CAN GET OUT OF THIS 120-DEGREE STORE” happened.  I know… parenting at its finest.  Quit your judging already- if you have a kid, you know you’ve done it too. I blame at least 50% of this incident on Star Wars for making such an awesome weapon of destruction.  I cursed you on this day, George Lucas.

Then we bought this magical blue drink, and everything was better.  

Finally we arrived at the Sorrel Weed house (the most haunted house in Savannah) where our tour guide was waiting for us outside.  Though there were other children in our group, you could see the look of concern on her face when MY kids disembarked.  It’s as if she could sense what was going to happen.  Immediately the Mini-Assassin started with questions.  “Do you have spider webs on your dress?”  “Are you a witch?”  “Do you talk to ghosts?” “Where’s the potty in this house?” “Do you like light sabers?”  

After about 134 additional questions, we began the tour.  The SW House is supposedly haunted by the woman who originally owned it- they say that you can see her in photographs taken inside certain rooms. While most people on the tour were a little freaked out by this, MY kids were discussing the outcome of a ghost vs. avatar battle if the avatar had a dual-sided light saber.  Every now and then our tour guide would say things like “Oh, you’re just too precious and full of wonderment” to the boys because people from the deep south are too polite to say “WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE SHUT THESE KIDS UP?”

Here are a few pics from the tour.

The parlor: it is said that people have felt "possessed" upon entering this room.

The "Green Room": Spirits in this room have been seen coming from the portrait on the wall.

Murder couch / orb room in basement (more on this room below).

 Finally we came to the most haunted room in the house.  They had EMF cameras filming the room and screens just outside so you could see the “orbs” hovering around a couch where somebody was murdered (maybe they weren’t MURDERED… died of old age?  Took a nap?  Sorry, the blue drink made some of these details hazy).   The guide asked if anybody would like to go inside, and of course my kids ran in.  Because ghosts?!  WHAT GHOSTS?  Apparently, my kids are too bad-ass to be scared by anything.  After jumping on the murder couch for a while, they came back out to investigate the orb screens.  This is the conversation that DMo and our guide had regarding the orbs.

Guide: The orbs are the energy of spirits who are in this room.

DMo: I think that’s dust.

Guide:  No, it’s not dust.  I was just down here 2 hours ago, these orbs were not here.

DMo: It’s dust.

Guide: No, they are orbs.

DMo: Dust.

Guide: Orbs feed off of children’s energy. 

DMo: I don’t think any orbs tried to eat me.

Guide: ….let’s move on.

As we headed outside, I heard my kids let out a blood-curdling scream.  Honestly, I wasn’t surprised.  I mean, it just isn’t possible to be completely unfazed by all of this… right?  We’re talking ORBS and MURDER COUCHES here, people!  When I turned around to comfort them, I discovered what they were screaming at.

This dead fly.

I’m sure it’s spirit is haunting the tree it was lying under.

So… yeah.  I learned a few important lessons last weekend.  

1.       Ghost tours probably aren’t ideal for young kids (did you just say “DUH”?).
2.       Magical blue drinks cure everything.
3.       Houses built in the early 19th century do not have toilets.
4.       Avatars can defeat ghosts ONLY with dual-sided light sabers.