Thursday, January 6, 2011

The Midwesterner’s Guide to the South

Good day my vast and empty blogosphere!  I’d almost forgotten what it’s like in the beginning.  You know, when you start something new and you have no friends, followers, etc?  HELLLOOO… ello…ello… there’s something freeing about posting to no audience.  I can say whatever I want.  I LOVE STAR TREK!  I HAVE DAY-OLD DIRTY DISHES IN THE SINK! Take THAT, empty blogosphere- that JUST happened!
I’ve officially lived in Georgia for 5 months now, which of COURSE makes me an expert on southern living.  Here are a few tips for any of you Midwesterners thinking about moving south of the Mason-Dixon line.
1.       You will be a disgusting sweaty mess during your first couple of summer months.  Not the cute “glistening” sweat, I’m talking gross, face looks like it’s melting into a clear salty puddle on the ground, stinky sweat sock-type sweat.  Deal with it. 
2.       Get an exterminator.  STAT.   These bugs are no joke.  Two days after I moved in, I sprayed a cockroach with bug spray and it laughed at me before punching me in the face. 
3.       There are many forms of the word, “y’all”.  One must learn the proper conjugation for “y’all” before attempting to use it.  How y’all doing (small groups), How are all y’all doing (large groups), is that y’all’s? (possessive).  I tried out my first “y’all” at a store the other day.  I’m still too Midwestern, it sounded as fake as Mr. Scott’s accent in Star Trek (MY FAVORITE SHOW EVER, EMPTY BLOGWORLD! WOOT WOOT!).
4.       Just because someone calls you “sweetie”, “sugar”, “dumplin”, “pumpkin” does NOT mean they think you’re super awesome.  There are 10 million dumplins currently living in Georgia.  You’re just another dumplin in the sea.
5.       Yes we ALL know that the weather is better down south.  You don’t need to call your northern friends every time the sun is shining and its 75 degrees while they’re being pummeled with feet of metrodome-deflating snow.  Just enjoy it, keep it to yourself… better yet, go outside BECAUSE YOU CAN!!!...  and chat with your neighbors all about it.  Those dirty dishes will be there tomorrow.


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