I have a secret.
I have a boyfriend. His name is William Shatner.
How long has it been going on, you ask? A while. Like, 30 years. The PROBLEM with our relationship is, well… it’s pretty one-sided.
When I was 7, we professed our love for each other. Sort of...
Me: I LOVE you, William Shatner!
WS: Space. The final frontier.
My Mother: AMo, stop talking to the TV, it’s disturbing.
When I was 14, we had to keep our relationship hidden. My friends were WAY too into “The Coreys”, they wouldn’t have understood.
My friends: Corey Haim is SO HOT!
Me: Heh heh… um, yeah… I liked him in The Goonies.
My friends: That was THE OTHER COREY. Duh.
Me: Oh yeah. Ha! Star Trek IS STUPID! I LOVE THE COREYS!
When I was 25, it didn’t matter to me who knew. When I met my husband that year, I immediately told him about the other man in my life. Surprisingly, he was OK with it.
When I was 33, I decided to write a blog. A few fellow bloggers suggested I get a Twitter account that ties into my blog. I’ve always shied away from Twitter- people who “tweet” speak a different language. # signs, @ symbols, RT, FF… it took a while just to comprehend what the hell these people were saying. But I’m a smart girl (shut up)- I signed up and figured it out. And you know what ELSE I figured out? All I had to do was put a little “@” symbol in front of my boyfriend William Shatner’s name and it would send a message DIRECTLY TO HIM. Yes, SERIOUSLY. Twitter is a celebrity stalker’s dream.
I made a very important decision that day. It was time to end things with my boyfriend William Shatner. My kids are getting older, I’m married now, and… well… he has no clue who I am. BUT before the big break up, I wanted to give him a chance to wish me a happy birthday. So for the past 3 weeks, I’ve sent him a tweet every other day in hopes that today he will remember to write back. He’s 80, y’all… remembering ANYTHING is a SUPER big deal.
SOME OF MY LOVE TWEETS
Good morning @WilliamShatner : I'm your biggest fan; I've seen all of your movies. Even Miss Congeniality, which I forgive you for.
Good morning, @WilliamShatner , I hope you're enjoying this Sunday morning as much as I enjoyed Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan.
Dear @WilliamShatner , I (heart) you. Denny Crane.
Dear @WilliamShatner , if you and George Takei entered into a battle to the death, you would totally win.
I'm on a drug, it's called @WilliamShatner . It'll make your face melt!
Dear @WilliamShatner I'm sorry I haven't written in a few days- my son's bday was this weekend. Speaking of birthdays, mine is March 24th.
Dear @WilliamShatner Three things: 1. Good Morning. 2. PRICELINE NEGOTIATOR. 3. 11 days until my birthday. That is all.
Dear @WilliamShatner I ran in my first 3.2 mile race this weekend. That’s 5k in Canadian.
Happy birthday, @WilliamShatner ! I know technically you're 80, but I'm sure you priceline-negotiated that down to 60 or 70.
Dear @WilliamShatner don't forget my birthday tomorrow! I know, I'm being silly- I'm sure you have it written down. Kthanksloveyoubye
Are you there @WilliamShatner ? It's me, PMuff. You will NEVER guess what today is!
Some of my tweeps (a "tweep" is a person you follow on Twitter. LOOK AT THAT APPLIED KNOWLEDGE!) even decided to help me with my cause.
WilliamShatner, here on the east coast it's officially @PMuffintop's birthday. Could you wish her a happy birthday?
I’m SURE he will respond. Unless, of course, he’s just too heartbroken over the break-up which is THE ONLY logical reason I can think of for his silence.
Phew, I feel so much better now with that secret off of my chest. Time to go celebrate my birthday Princess-style… which includes a visit to the accountant and to the vet. MAYBE a trip to Bed Bath & Beyond, I just don’t know if I’ll have enough time.