Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Dr. Phil’s Guide to Diagnosing a Serial Killer

My son MMo was the happiest baby that ever existed.  He would smile and coo, and loved to snuggle.  His laughter would light up a room.  

Just when I thought, wow, I am SO LUCKY that this precious baby angel is mine…. Something happened.

My precious baby angel turned 2.

Many of you have probably read or heard me joking about MMo’s schizophrenic temper.  For the most part, I really AM joking… but there’s still a part of me that wonders if maybe I’m raising the next Hannibal Lecter.  Being the overly-dramatic worrier that I am, I decided to Google “characteristics of a serial killer”.  You know… just to be SURE I shouldn’t be locking my bedroom door at night.  By the way, thanks again Al Gore for inventing the internet.  Without you, I would have been unable to access such a plethora of information on this topic.  Love you Al, thanks for being the second-best vice president EVER!

The internet pulled through for me once again.  The first link in the search display was from what I would describe as the most reliable source known to mankind, Dr. Phil.  I should have known that Dr. Phil would be the leading source in sociopathic behavior.  I mean, he was a recurring guest on the Oprah Winfrey show as a relationship and life strategy expert!  Oprah doesn’t let just ANYBODY on her show.  You have to be like, a couch-jumping Scientologist or her secret half-sister to sit in that guest chair.

Once I discovered this incredibly reliable and accurate site, I dove in.  Below are some of the most common traits found in serial killers.

1.  Over 90 percent of serial killers are male.  Welp Dr. Phil, I’m already in trouble.  Penis?  Check.

2.  They tend to be intelligent, with IQ's in the "bright normal" range. MMo is a very bright child.  He can already pick a lock and hotwire a car.   

3.  They tend to come from markedly unstable families. Now, how unstable is “markedly unstable”?  Like say, you know, HYPOTHETICALLY... that the mother thinks she is a princess and her best friend is T-Pain?  WHAT EXACTLY are you trying to say, Dr. Phil?!

4.  As children, they are raised by domineering mothers.  I’m not sure I like your tone, Dr. Phil.  I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS SORT OF QUESTIONING.

5.  Their families often have criminal and psychiatric histories.  OK… confession time. When I was 3, I stole chapstick from a grocery store.  I know, SO awful.  Oh, and up until age 10 I thought I was possessed by a man named Azrael the Horrid and only ate raw meat.  But that’s pretty normal… right?

6.  They hate their fathers and mothers.  Ummm…

I’m still undecided on whether or not I have anything to worry about, only time will tell.  Oh and by the way, are you proud to be a gold digger?  Are you afraid that your daughter is prostituting in Las Vegas?  Breastfeeding your 5 year old?  If so, Dr. Phil wants to talk to YOU!




  1. LOL this is awesome! You're gonna be a famous mom of a serial killer! Lucky lucky!

  2. I think I need a poster of that wire hanger pic. HI-larious.

  3. I did the same thing when my son was two! I was SURE he was going to be a serial killer. He is the sweetest 11 year old now though (a light at the end of the tunnel for you).

    I actually took a class and one of the exercises was to look at the characteristics of a "difficult" child. The child was rated on how stubborn they were, how determined they were, how persistant they were, etc. My son scored about as difficult as a child could possibly be. Then my professor told us that most of the successful people of the world were rated difficult by their mothers because these characteristics made for difficult children but successful adults! There is hope! :)

  4. Yeah you are totally screwed....I'd start keeping all the sharp objects locked up and watch for him stashing knives under his toddler bed

  5. Here's the silver lining: If he is going to be a serial killer, that's probably predetermined, so you can stop feeling guilty about all of the times you might show up late to school to pick him up or any damage that could be done by you being in a gang. Rock on, mini-assassin.

    (The Mrs, AKA My Google Account refuses to give me any other name than "the")

  6. I never worried so much about my boys becoming serial killers and I did that they would someday put me in a fourth tier nursing home. Jury's still out on that one.

  7. omg his 2 year pic is amazing.

    i watched the gold digger episode last night. the men who fall victim to them are called "sitting ducks." don't let him become one of those, either.

  8. He isn't a serial killer yet silly, he will be diagnosed as having O.D.D. until he actually starts murdering the neighborhood kids...don't you feel better?

  9. Great now I'm pretty sure my kid's a serial killer too!
    Also, is that breastfeeding show for only 5 year olds? What if I'm currently nursing my neighbor's 11 year old?

  10. Thank you for another great post and a well needed laugh! I always love my visits to your site! By the way, I love the 2 year old picture, really is priceless!!!

  11. Ohmygosh, samesies. OUR SONS MUST NEVER MEET.

  12. Muffin Dearest:
    I remember having a very real concern as a young child that my brother might be the Anti-Christ. He's become a perfectly lovely adult if you overlook the 666 tattoo on his forehead. So, I am sure your son's issues will resolve themselves. He may even grow up to be your 3rd favorite VP someday!

  13. Dear PMuffintop:
    It is the royal blood. You could not have prevented the serial killer thing. One shows up every so many generations, you know like that Jack the Ripper thing. You will be locking your bedroom door at night now though, correct? I mean the proof of impending doom is pretty solid at this point.

  14. Is he taking a whiz in that birthday photo?

  15. THAT was a very interesting list! I have been wondering about those characteristics for a while now. So glad you have made it all clear! I will ask my children immediately upon seeing them this afternoon, "Do you hate mommy and daddy?" Not sure about that one...

  16. Hmmm . . . I'd be worried, except I think usually serial killers tend to have Wayne as their middle name, so unless that's the case, I think you're home free.

  17. Sounds like you should be worried. And get the wire hangers out of your house.

  18. If he does turn into a serial killer (which he probably won't) I would suggest you have a new look prepared. Something along the lines of, say, a chocolate muffin with red hair and a headband?

  19. @Dana, I always knew my boys would be famous someday.

    @Less, thank you for the glimmer of light at the end of this LOOOOONG tunnel!

    @LLA, No sharp objects: check.

    @Wombat, Thanks! I'm glad someone appreciates my mad Microsoft Paint skillz.

    @The, You will always be "The" to me. Never change.

    @Hand, I make my oldest (non mini-assassin) promise me daily that I can move in with him when I'm ancient. So far, so good.

    @Ginger, that is BY FAR my favorite picture of him at 2 years old. I have it hanging up in my house.

    @SumSum, you always know JUST what to say.

    @Tonya, HA! OK that just made me laugh out loud. I mean, unless it's true (in which case, I will vomit in my mouth just a little bit).

    @Kathy, Thank you!! I love that pic. I'm not big on the staged perfect photo. I like the pics that sum up the person that they really are. That about sums it up perfectly.

    @modinkpeeb, It's probably for the best.

    @Heath, that 666 tattoo was my own fault. I should have said no.

    @Barbara, thank you for your comforting words (and yes, the door is LOCKED!)

    @Buggin, It DOES appear that way. It's very Calvin and Hobbs bumperstickeresque.

    @Kelley, good luck with your confrontation!!

    @Sun, WOOHOO! Then I'm in the clear! What about James? Is James OK? I better not celebrate just yet.


    @France, Good idea- I need to plan ahead.

  20. PS- I also would like to say that my commenters rock. You're way funnier than I am!!!!