100

As some of you may know, my family and I just got back from a weeklong 1600-mile road trip to see friends and family.  The visit was great, but the driving… well… have you ever seen National Lampoon’s Vacation?  Now imagine that with two very young kids.  But we didn’t kill Aunt Edna along the way- so, yay for us.  Oh and we didn’t end up at Wally World with John Candy, the nauseous security guard.  Really, the car ride was nothing like National Lampoon’s Vacation.... maybe we should start over because my trip has nothing to do with this post anyway.

Oh hi there, blog reader!  I was gone for a few days!  Before I left, I promised that I would make up write an autobiography for my 100^th follower.  Today, I make good on that promise.

Ahem… drum roll please… ladies and gentleman, may I present to you:

GLITTER, DECEIT AND GARDENING: THE NEXT MARTHA STORY

Many of you may know my 100^th follower Jennifer Hajer as “The Next Martha” from her blog or from Twitter.  You may also know that she’s really into crafts and loves to garden.  But this story isn’t about that.  

THIS story is about how The Next Martha came to be.

Jennifer was born to Clark and Ellen Hajer who hail from a small suburb of Chicago, Illinois.  “From the moment she was born, we knew she wasn’t normal”, said mother Ellen. “As a little girl, she would insist upon taking glitter everywhere she went.  If she got upset at someone, she’d simply throw the entire container at the person’s face while screaming ‘HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW’.  She was an angry little girl with a passion for arts & crafts supplies.”

As Jennifer grew up, her passion took a deadly turn toward obsession.  At 14, Jennifer was exposed to Martha Stewart for the first time.  According to Jennifer’s award-winning biographical essay “Tripping on My Eyeballs”, replacing Stewart became her only desire in life.  

 

Jennifer’s father, Clark: “Jennifer’s day consisted of school, Martha Stewart Living, and scrapbooking.  When she ran out of family-related things to scrapbook, she became desperate and started creating pages dedicated to the squirrels in the backyard.  It was out of control.”

In 2004, Hajer hit rock bottom.  Upon hearing the news that Martha Stewart had been convicted of insider trading and would be serving prison time, Hajer formulated a plan that included being arrested, becoming Stewart’s cellmate, and getting rid of the competition.  PERMANENTLY.  Unfortunately for Hajer, she decided to scrapbook about her plan.  She was arrested on attempted-murder charges and served 17 months in an Illinois correctional facility.  

During Hajer’s time in prison, she discovered other talents which she cultivated after her release in 2006.  She graduated summa cum laude from the Adele Perkins School of Welding and Archery, and parlayed her new status into a successful career. 

In her spare time, Hajer still enjoys crafting and gardening.  She’s even dedicated a Twitter account to it (not to worry, her parole officers are keeping a close eye on @hoeinthegarden to ensure the safety of all involved).    She has also developed a passion for writing; you can find her work here.  If you’re looking for scrapbook samples/ideas on her site, you won’t find any.  By law, she is not permitted to scrapbook until the year 2016.

To end this entry, I’d just like to thank The Next Martha and the rest of my new followers for taking 3 minutes out of your week to read my little old blog.  You’re all special and unique to me, like precious snowflakes.  THANKS FOR BEING AWESOME.

 

TTFN, 

AMo

P.S. EVERY WORD of this autobiography is true.

P.P.S. Well, not EVERY word.

P.P.P.S. OK, the only thing accurate about this autobiography is that The Next Martha IS in fact, awesome.