Dr. Phil’s Guide to Diagnosing a Serial Killer

My son MMo was the happiest baby that ever existed.  He would smile and coo, and loved to snuggle.  His laughter would light up a room.  

Just when I thought, wow, I am SO LUCKY that this precious baby angel is mine…. Something happened.

My precious baby angel turned 2.

Many of you have probably read or heard me joking about MMo’s schizophrenic temper.  For the most part, I really AM joking… but there’s still a part of me that wonders if maybe I’m raising the next Hannibal Lecter.  Being the overly-dramatic worrier that I am, I decided to Google “characteristics of a serial killer”.  You know… just to be SURE I shouldn’t be locking my bedroom door at night.  By the way, thanks again Al Gore for inventing the internet.  Without you, I would have been unable to access such a plethora of information on this topic.  Love you Al, thanks for being the second-best vice president EVER!

The internet pulled through for me once again.  The first link in the search display was from what I would describe as the most reliable source known to mankind, Dr. Phil.  I should have known that Dr. Phil would be the leading source in sociopathic behavior.  I mean, he was a recurring guest on the Oprah Winfrey show as a relationship and life strategy expert!  Oprah doesn’t let just ANYBODY on her show.  You have to be like, a couch-jumping Scientologist or her secret half-sister to sit in that guest chair.

Once I discovered this incredibly reliable and accurate site, I dove in.  Below are some of the most common traits found in serial killers.

1.  Over 90 percent of serial killers are male.  Welp Dr. Phil, I’m already in trouble.  Penis?  Check.

2.  They tend to be intelligent, with IQ's in the "bright normal" range. MMo is a very bright child.  He can already pick a lock and hotwire a car.   

3.  They tend to come from markedly unstable families. Now, how unstable is “markedly unstable”?  Like say, you know, HYPOTHETICALLY... that the mother thinks she is a princess and her best friend is T-Pain?  WHAT EXACTLY are you trying to say, Dr. Phil?!

4.  As children, they are raised by domineering mothers.  I’m not sure I like your tone, Dr. Phil.  I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS SORT OF QUESTIONING.

5.  Their families often have criminal and psychiatric histories.  OK… confession time. When I was 3, I stole chapstick from a grocery store.  I know, SO awful.  Oh, and up until age 10 I thought I was possessed by a man named Azrael the Horrid and only ate raw meat.  But that’s pretty normal… right?

6.  They hate their fathers and mothers.  Ummm…

 

I’m still undecided on whether or not I have anything to worry about, only time will tell.  Oh and by the way, are you proud to be a gold digger?  Are you afraid that your daughter is prostituting in Las Vegas?  Breastfeeding your 5 year old?  If so, Dr. Phil wants to talk to YOU!

TTFN,

AMo

100

As some of you may know, my family and I just got back from a weeklong 1600-mile road trip to see friends and family.  The visit was great, but the driving… well… have you ever seen National Lampoon’s Vacation?  Now imagine that with two very young kids.  But we didn’t kill Aunt Edna along the way- so, yay for us.  Oh and we didn’t end up at Wally World with John Candy, the nauseous security guard.  Really, the car ride was nothing like National Lampoon’s Vacation.... maybe we should start over because my trip has nothing to do with this post anyway.

Oh hi there, blog reader!  I was gone for a few days!  Before I left, I promised that I would make up write an autobiography for my 100^th follower.  Today, I make good on that promise.

Ahem… drum roll please… ladies and gentleman, may I present to you:

GLITTER, DECEIT AND GARDENING: THE NEXT MARTHA STORY

Many of you may know my 100^th follower Jennifer Hajer as “The Next Martha” from her blog or from Twitter.  You may also know that she’s really into crafts and loves to garden.  But this story isn’t about that.  

THIS story is about how The Next Martha came to be.

Jennifer was born to Clark and Ellen Hajer who hail from a small suburb of Chicago, Illinois.  “From the moment she was born, we knew she wasn’t normal”, said mother Ellen. “As a little girl, she would insist upon taking glitter everywhere she went.  If she got upset at someone, she’d simply throw the entire container at the person’s face while screaming ‘HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW’.  She was an angry little girl with a passion for arts & crafts supplies.”

As Jennifer grew up, her passion took a deadly turn toward obsession.  At 14, Jennifer was exposed to Martha Stewart for the first time.  According to Jennifer’s award-winning biographical essay “Tripping on My Eyeballs”, replacing Stewart became her only desire in life.  

 

Jennifer’s father, Clark: “Jennifer’s day consisted of school, Martha Stewart Living, and scrapbooking.  When she ran out of family-related things to scrapbook, she became desperate and started creating pages dedicated to the squirrels in the backyard.  It was out of control.”

In 2004, Hajer hit rock bottom.  Upon hearing the news that Martha Stewart had been convicted of insider trading and would be serving prison time, Hajer formulated a plan that included being arrested, becoming Stewart’s cellmate, and getting rid of the competition.  PERMANENTLY.  Unfortunately for Hajer, she decided to scrapbook about her plan.  She was arrested on attempted-murder charges and served 17 months in an Illinois correctional facility.  

During Hajer’s time in prison, she discovered other talents which she cultivated after her release in 2006.  She graduated summa cum laude from the Adele Perkins School of Welding and Archery, and parlayed her new status into a successful career. 

In her spare time, Hajer still enjoys crafting and gardening.  She’s even dedicated a Twitter account to it (not to worry, her parole officers are keeping a close eye on @hoeinthegarden to ensure the safety of all involved).    She has also developed a passion for writing; you can find her work here.  If you’re looking for scrapbook samples/ideas on her site, you won’t find any.  By law, she is not permitted to scrapbook until the year 2016.

To end this entry, I’d just like to thank The Next Martha and the rest of my new followers for taking 3 minutes out of your week to read my little old blog.  You’re all special and unique to me, like precious snowflakes.  THANKS FOR BEING AWESOME.

 

TTFN, 

AMo

P.S. EVERY WORD of this autobiography is true.

P.P.S. Well, not EVERY word.

P.P.P.S. OK, the only thing accurate about this autobiography is that The Next Martha IS in fact, awesome. 

PMuff: The True Hollywood story

I’m not exactly sure how this happened, but I’ve almost reached 100 followers.  Because I am so completely dumbfounded/flattered that anybody is reading this, I’ve decided that I’m going to dedicate an entire post to lucky number 100.  The post may or may not contain actual stories/facts about this person… it really depends on how awesome he/she is.  

After I decided to write a post about someone else, I realized that most of the people reading this blog know very little about ME. So ladies and gentlemen, the story you’ve all been dying to hear…

PMuff: The True Hollywood Story

I was born.

I had a fairly regular childhood despite growing up in Flint, Michigan (the murder capital of the world).

My teen years were… interesting.  I’m pretty sure my parents were continuously riding the fence between keeping me and selling me to the highest bidder. 

I went through some phases.

 

I went to college.

 

After college, I moved to the East Coast to follow my dreams...

 

 ...and by "follow my dreams", I sort of meant "follow a boy".   So yeah... that didn't work out.  

When I moved back to Michigan, I met Prince Muffintop. We got married.

We had a baby.

Prince Muffintop took a job in Ohio, so we moved.

Then we had another baby.

Then Prince Muffintop took a job in Georgia, so we moved there.  Have I ever told you how much I hate moving?

Then I started a blog, and now you're reading it. And for that, I just wanted to say:

There is absolutely no reason for the Boone's Farm bottle right there, I just thought it added a little something.

I'm looking forward to completely making up telling the story of my 100th follower.  So be warned... if you decide to follow me, you've got that to worry about.

TTFN,

AMo

A Princess’ Guide to the Government Shutdown

I’ll be honest.  I HATE reading the news.  When I became a parent, something snapped- I could no longer tolerate reading articles regarding the depressing state of the world.  BUT... because my job requires that I stay on top of current events, I try to do a daily drive-by through a few news-related websites. This isn't something I enjoy doing, so every now and then I'll skip a few days.  Besides, if I wanted a good cry, I'd rather watch the Notebook thank you very much.

My client called this morning.  I’ll admit, I wasn’t really listening.  There are only so many times I can hear about said client’s daughter’s dance recital/son’s spelling bee trophy/new golf clubs before I want to rip my ears off.  Today’s conversation: client tells me about his super fantastic weekend at the zoo with his… whoops… zoned out for a minute....something something about his mother-in-law’s cracked tooth… ooh, Real Housewives of OC is on! Blah blah… the Government is shutting down.  

Wait… WHAT?  The GOVERNMENT IS SHUTTING DOWN?!  

So of course I headed straight to Google to figure out just what the hell happened.  Turns out my boy Barack Obama and his congressional posse do not agree on how to spend this fiscal year’s budget, and if they don’t figure it out like, RIGHT NOW, there will be consequences.  After reading several articles written for people way smarter than I am, I had only 1 question:

What the eff does this mean?

Good question, self.  Here’s the answer broken down Princess-style.

1.        All National parks, museums, and monuments will shut down.  Did you plan a vacation to our great nation’s capital to see all of the magnificent landmarks within the next couple of weeks?  Sucks to be you!

2.       Need a passport? TOO BAD.  

3.       Toxic waste clean-up?  Well WHO NEEDS THAT ANYWAY.

4.       US Postal Service?  You’re cool.  So are you, air traffic control and coast guard.

5.       Expecting a tax refund check?  Don’t hold your breath.

6.       How about the pay for Government workers INCLUDING OUR TROOPS?  Not looking good.  Not cool, Obama/Congress.  Not cool.

There are a ton of other things that may or may not be affected, but quite frankly my brain can’t process any more.  Let’s face it- I’m just more of a TMZ kind of girl. I like my breaking news stories to have more of a  "Lindsay Lohan arrested for sacrificing/eating a Sumatron Tiger" feel than this type of thing.  Bottom line is this.  Hurry up and settle your shit, Obama and Congress.  How about you just scrap both of your proposals and spend the budget on research to populate the country- nay, the WORLD- with Pegasuses (Pegasi?  Pegasaurases? Whatever the plural is for ‘Pegasus’).  All of our problems would be solved if we co-existed with these majestic beasts.  Am I right!!?

That is all for now.  It’s time to go watch Tamra from the Real Housewives of OC engage in awkward bathtub relations with her 16 year-old boyfriend.

TTFN,

AMo

NOTE: I obviously have no real interest in politics, therefore I have no interest in debating politics.  So please do not leave me any creepy serious “Obama and/or congress is the devil” comments or you will be instantly disqualified from receiving a Pegasus.