Thursday, December 15, 2011

Rudolph the Cross-Dressing Serial-Killing Reindeer

The DVR is truly a glorious invention.   I’d say that the DVR is probably the second best invention ever right behind the internet (I LOVE YOU AL GORE!).  

However, there is one time of year where I’d like to blow up the TV, and for one specific reason.  As a mother of two young children, I hear other parents’ opinions regarding which television shows are bad or good.  The typical “offenders” are SpongeBob Squarepants and some of the Superhero cartoons, but I’m here to tell you that SpongeBob and Spiderman are not the worst cartoons on television.  NOT BY A LONG SHOT.

The most evil cartoon EVER?

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Because I grew up with it, I merrily turned on this cute little cartoon for my children to enjoy.  Then the mini-assassin became obsessed with it.  Then it was DVR’d.  Then I watched it 700 times in a row.  Then I listened to what really was going on.


Rudolph was born one day to Donner and his wife.  Here’s the catch: he came out with a glowing nose.  The warm and fuzzy cartoons of the 21st century would use this storyline to promote a positive message like “everybody is different: hooray!”  Not Rudolph though.  Oh no. 

Because Rudolph’s ashamed parents designed a prosthetic cover to hide his glowing nose, Rudolph was eligible to participate in The Reindeer Games.  Rudolph and the rest of the gang were getting along swimmingly, and he even scores himself a hookup with a sexy little thing named Clarice.  Then it happened.

His nose cover pops off.

All hell breaks loose as the reindeer start to relentlessly tease him.  At this point, Rudolph and the ostracized-dentist-wannabe elf Hermey decide to run away together.

While on their adventure, they run into a prospector named Yukon Cornelius, and an Abominable Snowman.  Quite frankly, I really don’t understand this subplot so I’m going to skim over it.  They also happen upon the Alcatraz for toys and meet a handful of other colorful characters that had been exiled for being different.  

Then THIS happened… not sure what’s going on here but it reminded me of the Different Strokes episode where Arnold and his friend Dudley are lured to a pedophile’s apartment for a nude photography session.

Rudolph decides to run away to keep his friends out of harm’s way and finds himself back with Santa who has decided to cancel Christmas because of a terrible blizzard.  Imagine that, a terrible blizzard on the North Pole.  Why would you make provisions for snow on the North Pole?!  But I digress.  Santa sees Rudolph’s nose and decides maybe he’s good enough for his elitist reindeer team after all.

I’m sure this won’t surprise any of you, but Rudolph grew up to be a cross-dressing serial killer with serious self-esteem issues.

The End.