Friday, July 22, 2011


My husband and I have been working a lot lately.  Like, a RIDICULOUS amount of hours.  I’ve also had to travel an unusual amount over the past month.  Between our work/travel schedules, we have approximately 17 seconds of free time each day.  I usually use my 17 seconds doing something frivolous, like going to the bathroom or taking a shower.  I know, you’re jealous.

Last night, I returned from a week-long work trip.  We had to fly my mother-in-law down to watch the kids because my husband is working 14-16 hours 7 days a week and simply can’t take care of them alone.  This schedule is kicking our asses.  So I returned home, greeted my excited kids, put them to bed for the first time in a while, shed a few tears because I feel so incredibly guilty for the amount of time I haven’t spent with them, and then decided to open the mail.

This is what I found.

Then I hulked out.  Then I decided I wanted to call the person who wrote this. Then I calmed down (just a tiny bit), remembered that I have a blog and can write whatever I want, and decided to draft a response.  I don’t curse very often in general, but I’m exhausted and… well… please excuse my language.

Dear Madam,

Oh hey!   I received your “Request for Compliance” letter and just wanted to thank you for pointing out that our lawn has weeds that are in need of chemical treatment or removal.  Honestly, I had no idea!  Mostly I wasn’t aware of this because my husband and I have been working extensively and don’t usually see the yard before 11pm.  This letter has really opened my eyes to how serious this issue is.  I know that you gave me 10 whole days to correct the condition, but I plan to correct it immediately.  By the way… what happens in 10 days?  Lawn police?  Public flogging? Will you unleash a new breed of weed-eating tarantulas into my lawn?   If you could just let me know so I can spread the word, because I REALLY don’t like tarantulas.  

So here’s the deal.  You’ve really got me thinking about my violation, and I want to come clean.  I should be awarded multiple violations this month.  

VIOLATION 1:  The inside of my house.  Our schedule over the past few weeks hasn’t just affected the OUTSIDE of the house, you should see the INSIDE!  When I got home last night, my mother-in-law informed me that I need to clean my refrigerator more often.  I thanked her for pointing it out and immediately put it on my violation list.  Seriously, I don’t know what I would do without you people pointing out all of these items that have been neglected while my husband and I have been WORKING OUR ASSES OFF.  Love you, mean it!

VIOLATION 2:   My kids.  You think my LAWN has been neglected?!  Let me tell you how many times in the past month my kids have missed birthday parties, play dates, opportunities to see their friends outside, or do ANYTHING on the weekend because of mommy and daddy’s work schedules.  And let’s just say time doesn’t really allow for me to cook gourmet meals- unless you count Spaghetti-Os with hot dogs THAT I CHOPPED UP MYSELF as gourmet.  But you know what- SCREW MY KIDS.  You know what I need to be doing?  That’s right- WEEDING MY LAWN.  Again, thank you so much for helping me see the error of my ways.

VIOLATION 3: My dog.  I dare say that my dog probably believes that we’ve been neglecting her since my oldest son was born.  But we’ve just taken it to a WHOLE NEW LEVEL.  If there were a “worst dog owner of the month” award, I’d win it.  But guess what?  She’s contributing to my lawn looking so shitty!  LITERALLY, SHE SHITS ALL OVER IT.  Just between you and me, I think she’s trying to sabotage the lawn.  She’s always trying to sneak out front and shit all over that.  I think deep down, she loves weed-eating tarantulas and is trying her hardest to make that happen.

In summary, I’d just like to thank you again for pointing out the awfulness of my lawn and giving me 10 days to correct it.  I know that snooping around in your golf cart looking at each individual lawn trying to hunt down us violators in the summer heat must be exhausting!  If ever you need a rest from your violation-hunting, stop by and we can have a glass of lemonade and discuss the shittiness level of my lawn.  Or maybe we can talk about what a waste of f*&king time and resources it is for you to be driving around and delivering letters to people whose lawns haven’t been perfectly manicured in the past two weeks.  You know, just whatever topic comes up!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go lock my kids in a closet, neglect work and the inside my house, my friends, and of course my dog (she’s super old anyway, no biggie) so I can go take care of my weeds.

Kindly go f*&k yourself,

Princess Muffintop 
See?  Now I feel so much better.  I’ll add “therapy” to the list of reasons why I blog.



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