Sunday, July 10, 2011

Kindergarten will most likely be the death of me.

Oh hey, it’s been a while!  Like most bloggers have experienced at one time or another, I seem to have run short on time and things to talk about all at once, thrusting me into the posting Bermuda Triangle.  Will you take me back?  I promise I’ll never leave you again.  You don’t want me to start reciting Boyz 2 Men lyrics, do you? Don’t make me bust out some “On Bended Knee”, because I will.

Let’s move on, shall we?

My oldest son will go to kindergarten in just a few weeks.  I’ll be honest, I’m not ready.  When it comes to my boys, I know I’m extremely overprotective and sometimes overreact.  OK maybe not SOMETIMES, maybe like ALL OF THE TIME.  I can’t help it- the world is a scary place and I’m their designated protector.  To give you an idea of how exactly crazy I am, I'd like to show you how I think DMo's first day of school will go.

7:20am – The bus

I’m not sure how Lord Voldemort got on this bus as DMo isn’t going to Hogwarts, but you get the idea. My baby is so small and innocent- look at Chris Brown back there just WAITING to teach my precious angel how to smack the hoes!

8:30am – Class

 Most likely his teacher will be a giant radioactive zombie and you KNOW all they ever want to talk about is eating brains and killing the living population.  How will DMo ever get into a good college?  Maybe I should just home-school him.  Surely I know more than the undead.

12:00pm - Lunch
Nobody REALLY knows what they put into school lunches.  You see disgruntled lunch ladies ALL THE TIME.  The probability of them poisoning the food?  I'd guess around 99.9%.  I'd like to give a shout out to my boy Vanilla Ice- I couldn't think of any poisonous foods to put into this image, then BAM! Ice ice baby saves the day.

2:00pm- Free time


3:00pm- Time to go home

The day is finally over, but still my little ray of sunshine still has a huge battle in front of him.  There are probably KIDNAPPERS (who apparently all wear trench coats) standing at the bus pick-up and OHMYGOD dragons might attack him and poisonous snakes live here and there's probably a black widow making an egg sack in his backpack and a parent talking on a cell phone will run him over and a bully might punch him in the face... and... and....

The logical part of my brain realizes that kids start school every year and everything turns out just fine.  But the logical part of my brain is dwarfed by the part of my brain that automatically assumes free time activities consist of playing with machetes and AK 47s. 

When the first day of school is upon us, I will put him on his bus, put on my brave face and wave like a normal mother is supposed to.  But if I see any scary clowns or snake-looking dudes with wands, we are SO out of there.

Word to your incredibly neurotic mutha,