Dear Royal Oak 44th District Court,
I received a notice in the mail from you this week stating that I have an outstanding balance of $24.00. I have to admit, I was a bit surprised. When I was a resident of Royal Oak 6 years ago, I never received any speeding/parking tickets. The notice doesn’t say why I owe you $24.00; it simply says that I owe you money, and that you take all forms of payment. ALL FORMS OF PAYMENT?? This is extremely good news!! I would like to pay in the form of personal treasures I’ve collected over the years that have a total value of $24.00.
Item #1: A professionally stuffed Malaysian Panther- valued at $12.00. It’s probably better that we don’t discuss why I own a stuffed Malaysian Panther. Let’s just say there was a prophecy… neither of us could live while the other survived, and somehow I ended up with a lightning-shaped scar on my head that allowed me to track down the panther and destroy it. Oh my, I’ve said too much. Wait… that was Harry Potter. Whatever, it will still make a great addition to your office.
Item #2: Unborn alien embryos- valued at $8.00. I purchased these little green gems from eBay after I saw the movie “Independence Day”, because who wouldn’t want their own army of aliens?? Let me just throw this out there for you- Alien. Prison. Guards. AM I RIGHT?! I can pretty much guarantee that NO prisoner would try to escape because BAM- alien tentacle to the head.
Item #3: 7 lbs. Eye of Newt - valued at $4.00. Don’t you hate it when you’ve got the cauldron boiling and you look at your recipe only to realize you’re missing 1 ingredient? I am just LOVING Costco’s new occult section- I’ll never run out of eye of newt again, and now neither shall you.
Item #4: The entire first season of “Ice loves Coco”- valued at PRICELESS. Who can get enough of this whacky couple and all of their crazy hijinks? Plus, you might want to take a close look at Coco’s assal region. I suspect she’s muling drugs/exotic pets/statues made entirely out of elephant tusks in there.
In closing, I’d like to thank you again for accepting this form of payment. Though it will be difficult to part with these treasures, I realize that it is my civic duty to pay back the $24 for… well… I’m not sure for what since you didn’t specify. Also, please find a bill enclosed for $769 that will cover the cost of the time it took me to respond to your bill as well as the shipping costs for your new items. I just can’t believe how much it costs to overnight a Malaysian Panther these days!