Rudolph the Cross-Dressing Serial-Killing Reindeer

The DVR is truly a glorious invention.   I’d say that the DVR is probably the second best invention ever right behind the internet (I LOVE YOU AL GORE!).  

However, there is one time of year where I’d like to blow up the TV, and for one specific reason.  As a mother of two young children, I hear other parents’ opinions regarding which television shows are bad or good.  The typical “offenders” are SpongeBob Squarepants and some of the Superhero cartoons, but I’m here to tell you that SpongeBob and Spiderman are not the worst cartoons on television.  NOT BY A LONG SHOT.

The most evil cartoon EVER?

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Because I grew up with it, I merrily turned on this cute little cartoon for my children to enjoy.  Then the mini-assassin became obsessed with it.  Then it was DVR’d.  Then I watched it 700 times in a row.  Then I listened to what really was going on.

RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER AS INTERPRETED BY PMUFF

Rudolph was born one day to Donner and his wife.  Here’s the catch: he came out with a glowing nose.  The warm and fuzzy cartoons of the 21^st century would use this storyline to promote a positive message like “everybody is different: hooray!”  Not Rudolph though.  Oh no. 

 

Because Rudolph’s ashamed parents designed a prosthetic cover to hide his glowing nose, Rudolph was eligible to participate in The Reindeer Games.  Rudolph and the rest of the gang were getting along swimmingly, and he even scores himself a hookup with a sexy little thing named Clarice.  Then it happened.

His nose cover pops off.

All hell breaks loose as the reindeer start to relentlessly tease him.  At this point, Rudolph and the ostracized-dentist-wannabe elf Hermey decide to run away together.

While on their adventure, they run into a prospector named Yukon Cornelius, and an Abominable Snowman.  Quite frankly, I really don’t understand this subplot so I’m going to skim over it.  They also happen upon the Alcatraz for toys and meet a handful of other colorful characters that had been exiled for being different.  

Then THIS happened… not sure what’s going on here but it reminded me of the Different Strokes episode where Arnold and his friend Dudley are lured to a pedophile’s apartment for a nude photography session.

Rudolph decides to run away to keep his friends out of harm’s way and finds himself back with Santa who has decided to cancel Christmas because of a terrible blizzard.  Imagine that, a terrible blizzard on the North Pole.  Why would you make provisions for snow on the North Pole?!  But I digress.  Santa sees Rudolph’s nose and decides maybe he’s good enough for his elitist reindeer team after all.

I’m sure this won’t surprise any of you, but Rudolph grew up to be a cross-dressing serial killer with serious self-esteem issues.

The End.

PMuff

Slobby Princess Chic

Like most people, I treasure my sleep.  My child, however, does not.  The Mini-assassin wakes up 4-6 times a night, which makes getting up in the morning extremely difficult.  By the time I’ve hit the snooze button 17 times, I’ve left myself approximately 3 minutes to get ready.  

This, ladies and gentlemen, is how SLOBBY PRINCESS CHIC began.

I’ve justified my slobbiness by convincing myself that all of the other parents at my children’s school go through the same morning routine, thus are also dressed like slobs.

Then THIS happened.

 

Apparently Slobby Princess Chic attire is not universal.  This experience made me think… maybe I should take more pride in my appearance? Maybe I should wake up earlier to style my hair? Maybe I should press my clothes, OR EVEN TAKE A SHOWER OF WATER INSTEAD OF PERFUME?!

Nah. Looking good before 8am is TOTALLY overrated.

TTFN,

PMuff

44th District Court? Today is your lucky day.

Dear Royal Oak 44^th District Court,

I received a notice in the mail from you this week stating that I have an outstanding balance of $24.00.  I have to admit, I was a bit surprised.  When I was a resident of Royal Oak 6 years ago, I never received any speeding/parking tickets.  The notice doesn’t say why I owe you $24.00; it simply says that I owe you money, and that you take all forms of payment.  ALL FORMS OF PAYMENT?? This is extremely good news!!  I would like to pay in the form of personal treasures I’ve collected over the years that have a total value of $24.00.

Item #1: A professionally stuffed Malaysian Panther- valued at $12.00.  It’s probably better that we don’t discuss why I own a stuffed Malaysian Panther.  Let’s just say there was a prophecy… neither of us could live while the other survived, and somehow I ended up with a lightning-shaped scar on my head that allowed me to track down the panther and destroy it.  Oh my, I’ve said too much.  Wait… that was Harry Potter.  Whatever, it will still make a great addition to your office.   

Item #2: Unborn alien embryos- valued at $8.00.  I purchased these little green gems from eBay after I saw the movie “Independence Day”, because who wouldn’t want their own army of aliens??  Let me just throw this out there for you- Alien. Prison. Guards.  AM I RIGHT?!  I can pretty much guarantee that NO prisoner would try to escape because BAM- alien tentacle to the head.  

Item #3: 7 lbs. Eye of Newt - valued at $4.00. Don’t you hate it when you’ve got the cauldron boiling and you look at your recipe only to realize you’re missing 1 ingredient?  I am just LOVING Costco’s new occult section- I’ll never run out of eye of newt again, and now neither shall you.

Item #4: The entire first season of “Ice loves Coco”- valued at PRICELESS.  Who can get enough of this whacky couple and all of their crazy hijinks? Plus, you might want to take a close look at Coco’s assal region.   I suspect she’s muling drugs/exotic pets/statues made entirely out of elephant tusks in there.

In closing, I’d like to thank you again for accepting this form of payment.  Though it will be difficult to part with these treasures, I realize that it is my civic duty to pay back the $24 for… well… I’m not sure for what since you didn’t specify. Also, please find a bill enclosed for $769 that will cover the cost of the time it took me to respond to your bill as well as the shipping costs for your new items.  I just can’t believe how much it costs to overnight a Malaysian Panther these days!

Warmest Regards, 

PMuff

I must break you.

My 5 year old LOVES Kindergarten. Every Wednesday, he is able to check out a library book for the week.  We are both really excited about this because he loves to read and we've virtually exhausted all of the books we own.  Today he came home with this book.

Hmm, a book about bullying.  Are we ready for this subject yet?  Since it was a Berenstain Bears book, I decided to go ahead and read it.  I have to say, I found the contents a little... disturbing.

Presenting:
THE BERENSTAIN BEARS AND THE BULLY 
(as interpreted by PMuff)

OK here we go.  Oh my... look at Sister Bear.  She looks like she’s ready to kill some fools.  We're only on page one and already she's vowing to avenge herself.

When Brother and Sister Bear come home from school, Mama and Papa Bear notice that Sister looks like she just returned from a week-long bender in Las Vegas.  We learn that Sister was beaten up by a bully named "Tuffy".

Upon hearing this, Papa immediately decides he is going to show Tuffy how the Berenstain Bears roll.  Mama (who seems to be the ONLY voice of reason throughout the entire book) reminds Papa that beating up a child is probably not the best idea.  While Mama and Papa have this asinine conversation, Brother sneaks out of the house.  But where did he go?!

He went to beat the s%&t out of Tuffy, that’s where!  Look at Brother Bear.  He looks like a little stalker bear in training.  I’d like to see the Berenstain Bears E! True Hollywood story.  I would bet a lot of money that Brother has been featured on "To Catch a Predator".

Once Brother discovers that Tuffy is actually a girl, he decides that he probably shouldn't beat her up.  Hooray!  But this doesn’t mean Tuffy is out of the woods yet.  Oh no, my friends.  Not. At. All.  Brother decides to disobey his mother's orders to leave Tuffy alone, and sets up a top-secret training area to teach Sister Bear how to destroy her enemy.

As it turns out, Sister is one Bad-Ass Berenstain.

The new and improved Killer Sister managed to steer clear of her nemesis at school over the next few days.  Unfortunately, seeing Tuffy again was unavoidable.  During recess, Killer Sister saw Tuffy throwing rocks at a defenseless bird.  When Killer Sister kindly asked her to stop, Tuffy basically told her to go pound sand.  

And then it happened.  Killer Sister pummeled Tuffy Drago-the-Russian-style ala Rocky 4.  

Killer and Tuffy were both sent to the principal’s office where Tuffy begins to cry.  Then THIS happened.

What the f%^k, Berenstain Bears?  Maybe she gets hit a lot at home?!  All of a sudden, my beloved bears became an after-school special of the month.  The next thing you’re going to tell me is that Sister is anorexic and Brother is a cutter.

In closing, we find out that Sister was let off because she saved a bird’s life.  As for Tuffy, she had to visit the school psychologist twice a week for quite a while.

Ummm…

I don’t even know what to say about that.

I am from Flint, Michigan- the murder capital of America.  I am well aware that there are many “Tuffy” situations out there.  BUT… maybe this isn’t a topic the Berenstain Bears needed to touch upon.  It’s sort of like “Saved by the Bell” covering drug abuse.  Though the episode contained what could be the most hilarious minute of television ever, it just wasn’t necessary.

 

Ok, the SBTB episode was TOTALLY necessary ( I LOVE YOU JESSIE SPANO!)… but this book?  I don't know.  I think the author's intentions were good; maybe we could have left out the child beating reference.  That’s sort of tough to yada-yada over when reading to a 5 year old.

TTFN,

PMuff

Will I write your letter of recommendation? YES PLEASE!

I returned from a 5-day vacation this Monday.  Of course the day after you return from vacation, you have about eleventy trillion emails to sort through.  As I was happily deleting all of the “I’m going to cc the entire company so everybody sees how hard I work” emails, I came across a message from an old coworker/friend of mine.  She wanted me to write her a letter of recommendation for a position that she desperately wants.

Will I write a letter of recommendation?!  YES PLEASE!  I was born to write letters of recommendation!  So I immediately got to work.

First I researched letters of recommendation.  I know this might be hard to believe, but I’ve never written one before. Then I wrote a pretty bland letter and immediately deleted it.

This is the final draft.  To Lindsey, I hope this glowing letter is to your satisfaction.

Dear kind sir/madam:

My name is Princess Muffintop, and it is my immense pleasure to recommend Lindsey for the open position within your company.  Of course, I have no idea what exactly she’s applying for, or what your company does- but it doesn’t matter.  SHE IS THAT GOOD.  You’re an advertising agency?  WIN FOR YOU.  You sell shoes?  SHE WEARS THEM EVERY DAY. You make shampoo?  SHE'LL NAIL IT.  Seriously, you just can’t go wrong.

When I Googled “What to write in a letter of recommendation”, the guide said that the second and third paragraphs of the letter should give details about the person's best qualities.  My pleasure!  Lindsey is a master of multitasking.  She can develop a powerful new business pitch while simultaneously untagging herself from certain compromising Facebook photos.  After all, Lindsey’s second grade elementary school teacher turned Facebook friend doesn’t need to see that topless keg-stand photo.  Am I right?!  

Lindsey is also extremely smart and fabulous with time management.  This enables her to finish 8 hour’s worth of work in half the time.  I think this is why she took 4 hour lunches.  It’s certainly not because she’s eating- Lindsey saves those calories for liquor!  

In summary, you really cannot go wrong with Lindsey.  She’s a talented young lady who wears shoes and showers daily (well… every other day- let’s not oversell).  And if you hear anything about her night job as a dancer, it’s totally ballet dancing.  Well, it’s PROBABLY ballet dancing.  Um, I mean she’s working her way through college.  I mean, she has a lot of gambling debt to pay back.   

Thanks so much!

Princess Muffintop

If any of you need a letter of recommendation, please feel free to contact me.  

TTFN,

PMuff

All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten – 21st Century Edition

20 years ago, Robert Fulghum wrote a book called All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten. The book is a collection of lessons usually taught in Kindergarten, and explains how the world would be a better place if adults lived by these rules of thumb as well.

It’s a cute book and all, but it’s a bit outdated.  I mean, come on!  1988?  Did televisions and microwaves even exist back then?!  Not to mention a little something called the INTERNET. By the way... I can’t mention the Internet without giving a shout-out to my boy AL GORE. He totally rocked my virtual universe by inventing the WWW. Love you, Al!

 Life is completely different than it was 20 years ago, and so are the things you learn in Kindergarten. Though most of Fulghum’s lessons still apply, I felt that they needed some updating.

All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten – 21^st Century Edition

1.    If you don’t know the answer, Google it.

2.    Don’t shoot people.

3.    Recycle, or your planet will die.

4.    Share everything, except needles.  In fact – just stay away from needles altogether.

5.    Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you, as long as the milk is organic and the cookies aren’t loaded with preservatives.

6.    Just because you read it on the Internet does not mean it’s true.

7.    Always remember what DJ Lance taught you – say sorry when you hurt somebody.

8.    Live a balanced life – don’t spend 10 hours a day on social media sites.

9.    Don’t text while you’re driving.  Don’t talk on the phone while driving.  Don’t eat and drive. And for the love of God, don’t drink and drive.  

10.  When all else fails, reboot.

Good luck children of the 21^st century, you’re going to need it.  

TTFN,

PMuff

My name is PMuff, and I'm a CraigsListaholic.

Last week, I FINALLY moved the mini-assassin into a real bed.  You’re probably thinking, “Seriously?  He’s over 3 years old and he was still in a crib?”  Yes, Judgy McJudgerson, he was.  He liked his crib.  Plus, if you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you'll know that keeping him behind bars for a little longer than normal probably increased my life expectancy by a year.  But this post isn’t about mini-assassin’s new furniture. 

It’s about my addiction to Craig’s List.

We decided that we would sell mini-assassin’s crib set online, and gave Craig’s List a try.  IT WAS SO EASY!  You just write a little description, post some pictures and BAM! That’s it!  The problem is, it was TOO easy.  You see, I’m a “go big or go home” type of girl, so when I saw how quickly I could sell the crap in my house that I didn’t want, I went crazy.  

Almost everything in my house is now posted on Craig’s List.

I admit it, I have an addiction.  My email inbox is full of responses to various posts- some serious, some maybe not so serious…  my favorite correspondence so far was for a TV listed for 500 dollars.

Potential buyer:  I will give you $275 cash for your TV.

Me: No thank you.

Potential buyer: Will you take $250?

Me: Huh?  Um… no.

Potential buyer: $200 is as low as I’ll go.

Me: I don’t think we’re doing this right.

There is one posted item that has gotten 0 responses- a black leather couch and loveseat.  This was the original post.

I decided this morning that maybe I needed to add a little sparkle to the description.  Here’s the revised post.

 http://atlanta.craigslist.org/sat/fuo/2510405638.html

What's that, you say?  You aren't a vampire and can't read the minuscule text in the ad?  Fine.  Here it is.

DEAL OF THE CENTURY!
These are the items you've been waiting for... I've decided to sell my plush ebony sofa/loveseat set! I know, you're thinking, "But wait! Why is she selling this set for such a LOW, LOW price?" Good question. You see, I'm a giver. I want YOU to experience the sheer ecstasy that these couches provide. Once you sit in their deep, fluffy seats, you'll understand. It's like experiencing a hug wrapped up in a rainbow. You like hugs and rainbows, don't you?
I'll be sad to part with these couches, but I need to move on. My husband purchased this set a few months before we were married for like 9 million dollars because, hey! BLACK LEATHER COUCHES. Am I right, fellas? You know what I'm talking about. ALL LADIES LOVE BLACK LEATHER. It's true. Statistics show that ladies are 60% more likely to make out with you on a black leather couch over a brown leather couch. But I don't have to tell YOU that, you probably already know- which is why you searched for "black leather couch" on Craigslist.
So hey, let's talk! Now, before you email me with your "I'll give you 50 dollars and my dog" offers, let's set some boundaries. When I put 500 dollars, I mean I want 500 dollars. Will I negotiate a LITTLE? Sure. For example, would I take 400 dollars and a replica of Harry Potter's invisibility cloak? Yes. I don't want to show you my entire hand, but you know what I mean.
One more thing, buyer is responsible for transportation. Sure, I'll help you move the couches out of my house, but that's it. And honestly, I'll probably just pretend like I'm lifting by grunting loudly and shouting "WOW I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW HEAVY THIS IS!" But you and I will know the truth.  

This was revised a little over an hour ago, and I’ve already received 3 responses.  So to all of you Craig’s List users, a bit of advice.  A little bit of sparkle goes a long way.

TTFN, 

PMuff

PS This was the Captcha code I had to type in to verify that I was a real-live human trying to change my post.  WTF, Captcha?  Is that second letter a Latvian long O?