Krazy with a "K"

Oh, Bachelor.  You’ve done it to me again.  You’ve sunk your catlike claws into my soul and have hooked me into watching the rest of this season.  

First of all, let’s talk about the opening montage of tonight’s episode.  I used to think Michelle was the only one with a few screws loose, but I was sorely mistaken.  We’ve got a baker’s dozen of crazy this season.  Recap: “THIS IS AMAZING!”, “I woke up with a black eye, and I’m pissed.”, “Oh Sh#$ I’m going to kill you.”, “I’m seeing you make connections with girls who are unstable.”, “Ohhh sh@#$ I hate this!  This sucks!”, “She scares me.  She is sitting there looking like she’s ready to kill somebody” (cut to Michelle hard-core punching her hand… nice editing job there, by the way.  Note to the editors: Michelle doesn’t need help making her look insane).  Looks like this is going to be a good one- let’s dive in!

Michelle wakes up with a black eye.  Her guesses as to how “the black eye heard around the world” happened range from stress to being beat up in her sleep.  Hmm.  MY question is, exactly how many times do you have to punch your own face in order to produce a black eye?  I am having flashbacks of Marky Mark’s self-punching scene from the movie “Fear”.  Michelle feels that because she has this black eye, she deserves the one on one date.  Spoiler alert- it works!  Who’s going to wake up with the black eye next week?!  Michelle is her own brand of crazy- she is krazy with a k.  

As our Prince Charming Brad walks in, Michelle immediately points out her black eye.  Michelle: “I woke up with a black eye.”  Brad: “How are you doing?”  Michelle: “I’m just confused.”  Now, there are a million things I could say about that, but I’m just going to leave that one alone because what is said next is even better.  Ashley #1: “I wish I was the one that gave her the black eye, I want to rip her head off.”  Oh dear, Ashley.  I wonder how many bottles of wine Ashley drank tonight to be able to watch this episode without cringing.

Chantal gets the one on one date.  Chantal: “This is an amazing date, amazing guy, amazing amazing amazing!”  I was going to count the amount of times the word “amazing” was used into tonight’s episode, but I lost count after 20.  Girls, here are 5 adjectives to use BESIDES “amazing”.  

1. Fabulous

 2. Awesome

3. Exciting

4. Wonderful

5. Miraculous

…And let’s get back to the date.  In a nutshell, Chantal is ready for an amazing relationship; this helicopter date could change everything.  They go walking on the sea floor even though Chantal is deathly afraid of diving.  Chantal warns Brad that “it” could be everywhere.  He says “What, mascara?”  Wow, that totally wasn’t my guess… I was thinking vomit or poop.  I guess that’s just where the mind goes when you have 2 small children.  The slap on the first day is discussed.  Brad: “I love the playfulness between Chantal and I.”  Dear Brad, if a girl hits you the first day she meets you, it isn’t called “playful”. Ultimately, she is offered a rose after the world’s most romantic proposal: “Chantal, you better accept the damn rose.  Will you just stop talking and kiss me?!”  Who WOULDN’T say yes to that??

AAAAAND we cut back to Krazy Michelle. “There’s a really good chance that if I don’t get a date this week, Brad might get his own black eye.”  I really hope Brad doesn’t own a bunny.

It’s time for the group date!  The girls soon discover that they will be participating in the Loveline radio show with Dr. Drew.  Brad: “Today I hope that I can create a safe environment where these girls can feel comfortable and open up.”   I don’t know about you, but the first thing that comes to mind when I think of a safe and comfortable environment is participating in a syndicated radio show played back on national television.  Really, it’s JUST like a private therapy session!

“If you pull back without trying, something may or may not may happen, and you may or may not regret it… um….” –Prince Brad 

The group date moves on to Brad’s bachelor pad.  Uh oh… we’ve got a red alert here.  9 girls fighting over one guy + alcohol + hot tub = disaster.

And so it begins… girl 1 sweeps Brad away.  10 seconds later, Ashley #1 (of ‘rip her head off’ fame) interrupts.  The wine is flowing and the girls are starting to turn on each other in the hot tub.  Ashley #2 has got a bit of the “wine face”.  I’m really glad she’s not my dentist.  After a ton of sappy babbling, the rose is awarded to the girl with the saggy bathing suit bottom (seriously producers, tattoo their names on their foreheads!)

The second one on one date is awarded to Krazy Michelle. “OK listen ladies. Tomorrow?  Big day.  Michelle and Brad.  One on one.  Back your bags and it’s been great knowing you.”  I love when people talk in the third person.  You could say ANYTHING in the third person and instantly it sounds a little insane.  Seriously, try it.

 

 “If I don’t get a rose because Brad is still dealing with Ashley’s issues, I will elbow her.  In the face.”  BOOM!  That JUST happened.  I have to say, I MIGHT stop watching if KM goes home.  She’s my new favorite.

And we’re off to helicopter date #2.  Michelle learns that they will be repelling down a large building to get to their dinner location.  I have to admit, this really brings back some great memories for me.  I remember my first date with SMo- he arranged to have us locked in a 10x10 room with a pit of scorpions for 30 minutes.  Because what says romance like “hey I might die at any minute!”  

They made it!  And there goes Brad jumping in the pool fully clothed again.  Is this going to happen every episode?  Michelle gets the rose- looks like I’ll be watching again next week!

It’s cocktail party time.  Prince Brad presents Emily with a basketful of pillows.  I really hope Emily has a lock on her door because the rest of the women look like they want to collectively punch her in the face.

Crying girl 1: Chantal.  Seriously, it was a BASKET OF PILLOWS.  This guy is making out with on average about 5 girls a week.  LET GO of the pillows. 

Finally, it’s time for the rose ceremony.  Really, this is anti-climactic to me because my girl Michelle is already safe.  But what about the Ashleys?  Did the drunk babbling or the ripping off the head comments seal their fate?!  Does he call their names???   Yes, he does.  All the crazy girls have been advanced to the next round.

Jilted girl 1- I’m totally bummed out!

Jilted girl 2: (I can’t remember what she said because I was way too concerned with the fact that she had no pants on)

Jilted girl 3:  My dad is going to be SO proud of me!

And there you have it.  Can’t wait for next week’s AMAZING episode!

TTFN,

AMo